My left arm is numb Do you have friends that complain about you not getting in touch, but they see you active on social media? You are honest with them and tell them how stressed you are with work, life and family, etc. However, what they don’t know is that you have no concentration or focus left to relax and chill out. What happens is, you numb out and start going on social media because most of the time it, doesn’t require you to think. Smart people would do crosswords and keep the brain working, but I don’t. I really just want a bullet through my head sometimes, and that’s what social media does. There is more hope in a cigarette. I can’t just spare a minute or even one hour to writing or reading. I need two weeks to get into the realm of my creativity. I’ve tested it before. It’s the same as having a wound – it won’t heal within a day. I hate to say that it’s the same with writing and reading. Work, stress and other unhappy factors constitute to you losing your mind. It takes time to recover. If you are sick with a cold, you need time to recover. It’s just like that…but not many people understand. Everything is just spinning fast, and I’m doing my best not to throw up. Did I say there was a solar eclipse today or yesterday? This used to interest me…just like concerts used to interest me. And all the things that I do now, such as taking responsibility, work hard make me think what a selfish person I really am on the inside. I view many things as time-sensitive. I no longer know how to seize the day. I believe that I’m merely patient by working hard towards something better. I don’t know how long this patience is going to last because unhappiness is catching up. In the meantime, I remain sane through music and working out. I’m sick of repeating myself all the time. There’s nothing to write home about anymore. What am I still...

Oxenberger Walking carrion is what I used to say, quoting Cioran. This is what a hopeless pessimist like him would describe a human being. I’ve done my best to shift my focus and attitude from that in the last decade, so let’s phrase it a little bit differently altogether: ‘Bite your way through this and think of the good stuff yet to come.’ I’ve always had hope – it’s something I need to get out of bed every day. There hasn’t been an instance where I wouldn’t get out of bed. No, I’m not happy, and neither are the people around me or the people that I love. I don’t know what to do except for staying strong myself. I’m not good at talking sense into people, even when they need it the most. Therefore, I feel useless most of the time. They believe what they want to believe. And you can’t change people. Unless you give me a story to write, I could create some sense. It’s the only time I’m clear-headed enough, as I’m given the chance to be imaginative and be my own God. It’s my way to remain sane, and I’m sure another million people out there feel this way. Today is the solar eclipse in Cancer, and we’re supposed to cultivate empathy. But how do you empathise if you don’t have empathy for yourself because you’re mentally so absent? Friends from high school used to judge me for continually feeling sorry for myself, and I don’t blame them. I could’ve done better in channelling my emotions. That’s what you get for being an overemotional Cancer with Saturnian energies. What were you supposed to know as a lost teenager anyway? – Learn, grow. Unfortunately, in the process of it, you numb out a lot. You don’t entirely show how much you care because it did you no good in the past. Observe, but remain objective and reserved. Either that or whatever it is that you feel is now so outdated, you already know the consequence. It’s a cliché – a past lesson already learned. It’s just that everyone has to go down that road, and it feels good to leave it behind as soon as you can. Empathy, however, is about others. Not everyone lets you change him or her, even though you love them the most. It doesn’t matter if you just want to help. Everyone I love the most is so broken. All I’m doing is making sure I’m still standing upright, focus on the things that I can do, or have to do. Considering that my stories or characters may have an influence on some people and change the way they view things. Thinking that this is the least that I can do....

Motherhood The majority of millennials have more important things to do than settle down with kids. I can’t say I know everything about motherhood, but I’ve learnt and witnessed enough to say that I will pass on it. Many other components constitute to my decision: mental health, financial situation, the fear of responsibility and incapability. You might say that fear is a result of cowardice, which is fine. Just give me the chance to tell you the whole story first. I love my mother, more than anything else in the world. Throughout my life, she had always stood by me and ignored all the terrible things that I said and did to her (especially when I was younger). Somehow my sister and I have become the purpose of her life. Back in the late 70s and early 80s, my mum felt lost in Hong Kong. She had quite a terrible break-up after seven years of seeing that person. And when she got to know my dad, it was kind of a miracle. She emigrated to Germany for him to start a new life. It’s funny to note that she doesn’t like children. Nonetheless, she taught at a kindergarten in Hong Kong. I believe that when she accepted my dad’s proposal and moved to Germany, she still didn’t like children, and then, she was pregnant with me when she was twenty-six. What do millennials do at this age nowadays? You will probably meet a lot of them who have finished college and decided to go travelling. Or, they didn’t bother going to college yet. Instead, they work, save money and go see the world first. This trip usually determines what they choose for their future. Back in the days, people didn’t have this option, not to mention the mindset for opportunities, unless they get married before thirty and have kids. Why would they do that? Because they considered it as normal? Because marriage and reproduction are a part of the Bible? But then again, if you look closely at your parents’ lives and the choices that they made, do you see how secure they are? You can’t judge them for what they chose, because they are financially ok, have a home and a life, and they did their best to raise you. What is going to happen to those who chose not to settle down early? Can you say that they have lived and seen more than their parents? This is tricky, because of the different perceptions between parents and their children. Their children are millennials, who choose to experience the world at a young age. Still, the parents will always say, “Kiddo, settle down, get married, buy a house. As long as you have security, you can always go on...