Recent Comments
  • Paula: Update: According to my sis we saw Audioslave at Hurricane F...
  • Sam: You are so fucked up!...
  • e.: Reduce it to the neccessary, worry less and take your time...
  • eGe: Hallo Paula, die erste Hälfte put a smile on my face and mad...
  • SCAK: Lange her, dass ich das letzte Mal dort stand und irgendwohi...
  • P-chan: Exactly. At dawn....
Random Articles
Er nennt die Pflanze Paula... My body’s currently unstable, my entire left side seems to be struggling since I stretched a ligament in my left wrist. But this injury is nothing compared to what others have. I can’t afford a physio, that’s for sure. I’ve used up all my insurance after merely two visits. I’m already irritated when told to rest for at least two weeks. What am I supposed to do? Focus on my novel I guess. Approach more presses, send out more...
Inhumanity The day I sent out the application form I felt nervous. In the very last second I decided to send it by registered post in order to make sure that it WILL reach the employer’s hands. It is what I want, but I am not sure if it is for the better. There are things that I do which make me think that I am selfish. I have no problem admitting it. I have never been fully altruistic anyway....
Ladybird invasion in my room... Recently I’ve been hearing whispers in my dreams; whispers that are incoherent and have no business in my dreams. Only when dreaming I can figure out the daunting words in the background, but as soon as I wake up I don’t remember a thing of what’s been said. Maybe I’m getting too obsessed with that story of mine from 2006, in which the voice was Peter Pan’s – a fairy tale character that was supposed to teach me how...
Nostrad-anus Is it true that after the 20th century the lonesome crow will stop carking? And the barren lady who detests life through (abortion and) contraception shall deserve the punishment of lonely barren life without husband and...
As the horse approaches The last December post didn’t really happen. I kind of tried to copy one of my past post entries from over 3 years ago and thought I would get away with it. Eventually I decided not to cheat. The past month has been a little bit tough involving a small array of deadly sins such as envy, sloth and gluttony, and personally, the inability to focus and unload my mind and chest. There is a lack of order in...
To Autumn To Autumn I walked up Telegraph Hill earlier. I’ve never seen that hill during the day and it looked nice.  And there was a tree, which waved me over – just like that. So I moved closer, leaned against it and we started talking. I’ve never seen him before, but he said he saw me running every other morning when it was still dark. I asked how he could recognize me in the dark and he said he could...

To do List (for the rest of 2017 and all of 2018)

Urgently think of a new title for my book. I used to be good at titling stories, why not now?! Once sorted with art work, chase the press and publish that goddamn thing before the end of this year Buy Glühwein ingredients Make sure all major projects and decisions are done and made before Mercury Retrograde begins on December 3 Call mum more often Catch up on solitary pastimes (i.e. READ more GOOD fiction) Read more at open-mic nights Incorporate at least twenty-minute mediation every day Write an article or essay and add to writing portfolio (suggestions on the theme are welcome!) Keep up with my fitness goals to become leaner and stronger Save money for driving lessons, become a member of Car2Go Camp with friends, hike with friends, dance with friends, have more fun with friends Climb more in the Spring and Summer Job applications and get myself a remote job Feel less guilty about anything Spend more time with family and support them whenever possible Visit a place that has pure Autumn season Re-visit Alaska or go further north in Canada to see the northern lights in the middle of Winter Just save money Set up Bitcoin Make macadamia (non-dairy) cheesecake like the one Nicole made Learn how to sit down and just do nothing for at least five minutes Learn how to be more direct with people Start a new project so I don’t run out of meanings to make Have a plan of buying my own apartment Visit California See Nine Inch Nails more Maintain the life of a plant or plant one myself (i.e. grow my own basil) Be a better friend to people Not make a list like this...

The present (vs. memory)

It’s no good hinging on memories. Sure it’s the only think you ever knew. Have you noticed that the only time you ever think of the past is when you’re unhappy? Why are you unhappy? Everyone learns (eventually) that the present counts the most. Whatever went wrong in the past is done with; there is no going back at all. You let an opportunity slip without pursuing it – this is it. You look through the corner window and see something that you could’ve influenced, so what? Is it really worth it in the long run? You shape your destiny, because the choice is yours, but making the right choice is the trick. The outside is never what it seems. To most people it’s simply easier to believe what they see, and it’s probably not what you see. What do you see? Everyone’s perception is so different. You love sunshine and so do they, but they don’t love it the same way as you. Even though people don’t change, you may one day see a new light in them and they will see a new one in you. Your sense of reality will always be opposed to something that’s not yours. The more you’re aware of it the lonelier you will feel. So don’t think about it. You will encounter a lot of people that are too scared to share their souls – they blow cigarette smoke into a bubble and not talk about it. They’ll either open up or they won’t. Don’t waste your time trying to crack their shells. It’s their game after all. Remember when she said that our heart dies when we grow older? This is the soul flight of the adolescent and adulthood. We learn and learn, and we wear out. But that’s the whole point. Time heals all wounds, but life comes with extra layers of complications, so what do you do? Do you keep learning your lessons as you go or do you go to sleep? Time and memory don’t mix well – it’s almost like a state of paralysis with no capacity of action. Don’t go there. Don’t tie yourself in knots. Just walk and leave behind footprints and maybe someone will follow. There will eventually be an exit. Keep taking action; keep your feet on the ground, because memories don’t have feet and therefore you cannot rely on them. Walk some more, take the longer way to cross the street if you must. Drive for longer. Have a strong perception on your surroundings; see through your own eyes and then...

Jaded

Got Soul Asylum’s biggest hit on repeat while attempting to focus. The song’s chord progression somehow touches the right spot in my chest, and I feel like I have to pay attention to it before bed. It’s merely half past seven and my eyes are heavy; I think I’ve had about thirty hours of sleep in the last five days and it will catch up on me tomorrow. It does every weekend. Recently I enjoy spreading myself thin. But job is not part of the enjoyment. I’m a nice person (at least I think I am), but the constant desire to tell customers to f*ck off doesn’t just make me a bad employee, but also a bad person. So what happens is that I feel guilty for my thoughts and actions. This is not good for me or anyone else around me. What can I say, there are people that are not made to work. Not that way. This summer ended with a greater sense of determination and freedom. I’ve been smiling on the inside a couple of times, which is usually a sign of self-confidence, but it’s also because it’s Autumn and not many people understand the beauty of it. I like the end of many things. It’s the time you take a breather. You’ve accomplished something, it’s the end, now cool down. If there is anything I’m scared of it’ll be new beginnings. Unlike Hemingway, I am not a fan of Spring. To a new beginning…the beginning of WHAT?! I still love you Ernest – my fellow Cancerian who was able to paint emotions with a metaphorical brush. The end of A Farewell To Arms, you know what I mean. At the end of things you simply sit back and meditate. You absorb the moment by smiling on the inside, embracing the cool air on your skin. I won’t deny that I am knackered, but if I spread myself thin I remind myself that I am alive and that there is always something that needs to be done. On another note I feel so damn empty, and I mean EMPTY. I have shallow desires, numb emotions – just nothing meaningful at all to share. But I am still smiling inside – for friends and family. Reminding myself to create meanings to live for, but there is not much (Camus, please give me a sign). The existential dilemma started at the age of eleven when I wrote in my Hello Kitty journal. Suddenly everything needed a meaning and my emotional stress needed a home. My friend Nate says that...

Megalomania

“We are in a world where you have to pay for sun light. This is when you believe that capitalism can’t get any worse,” Tom says. I look at him and his SunMaster tanning bulbs, which he has just bought for his tanning bed. We leave the store and look at the artificial atmosphere above us, simulating dark grey clouds. It’s as if the sky was a giant flat TV. But to me it’s just another day in England – nothing special, except that it’s very hot for September. “You don’t handle it well, do you?” I ask Tom. “Think of the Scandinavians.” “Ha, I feel for them!” “The less people the better it is for the world.” “What do you mean?” he asks. We are on the way to his place to kill some time, play video games. That way you won’t even think about outside. When staring at the clouds I can’t really tell where the sun is. Being a winter person I have no problem with daylight on cloudy days at all. My skin has always absorbed the sunlight well, even through the clouds. All these people, Tom included, are overreacting. They would swallow numerous vitamin pills every day to make sure they don’t have any deficiencies. “Don’t you realize that they want the suicide rates to go up?” I say. Tom doesn’t understand, and I don’t think he ever will. He is a smart kid, an engineer to-be and happy enough despite the clouds above us. It’s the panic of others that make him go with the flow. “My uncle is making big money at his funeral home…” he says. “I assume that cremation is a must these days, eh?” “Yeah.” There are a lot of cemeteries here and the government plans to either get rid of them or build on them. We have already survived the period of the Purge, but all the rich people in the government will always have more in store to wipe out the poor. There is a resistance group that is mostly active at night. Some of them are often seen with Guy Fawkes masks, and people refer to them as, “What is left of Anonymous”. They are not criminals, not in my eyes anyway, as they feed the poor. However, they did light up fireworks with an attempt to destroy the screen in the sky. A couple of them were caught, and we never knew what the government did to them. We find Tom’s mum on the sun bed and his little sister Lily in front of the...

Orbit

We have entered Mercury Retrograde again. I believe it’s a good time not to worry about anything and just let the stars mess with our heads and do fun things, good things and even bad things. If there is one thing one shouldn’t be doing during this period it is making big decisions or communicate something incomprehensible, because not one single person will understand you, and you will most likely be collecting the shreds of the biggest ideas of your life, feeling miserable. Perhaps it’s the best time to reflect, research, make notes and think ahead, but not execute anything, yet. It’s all about preparation and timing. With the amount of solar flare eruptions I am not surprised why we’re all currently in such a messed up state of mind. Back in the old days we seem to have had way more stability and order, because we didn’t have many options. Unlike now, we’re crushed with all the possible choices that we have, decisions that we are able to make, but cannot make. It’s a deadly paralysis of the mind. We also get bored more easily; our attention span is becoming more goldfish-like. Moreover, capitalism is making us forget our own personal values; it feels like everything that gives us comfort needs to be purchased. I like to use the term ‘art’ as something that combines creative elements such as art itself, literature, photography, poetry, music, etc. Being human is to express oneself and hoping that someone out there understands how you feel. But he or she most likely does not and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. We all perceive things differently. None of our experiences are ever the same or comparable. And yet, we inspire each other through words and actions, but we perceive an idea differently. I’m at a point in life where taking action has become crucial. I no longer want to wait for anything. I no longer want to shelve my dreams and wait for something to happen. As an absurdist it is deadly to stagnate, because the meaninglessness of life will always catch up and say, “What’s the point of it all?” Though, it’s not always easy to keep rebelling against absurdity. In the end you’re merely making up meaning to keep yourself going. Hope is the only thing that will always die last no matter how corny is sounds. I believe in the stars, as they reflect a hazy outline of who we really are. If the moon already has an influence on humans and earth, then what do you think all our other...

Er nennt die Pflanze Paula

My body’s currently unstable, my entire left side seems to be struggling since I stretched a ligament in my left wrist. But this injury is nothing compared to what others have. I can’t afford a physio, that’s for sure. I’ve used up all my insurance after merely two visits. I’m already irritated when told to rest for at least two weeks. What am I supposed to do? Focus on my novel I guess. Approach more presses, send out more emails, can’t afford to stop or give up. Though sometimes I forget I’m an existential absurdist, dreaming of a perfect date with Camus in heaven (or wherever he is). Too much dilemma going on right now – trying to solve them all – one by one. But I’ll need the left side of my body to function so I can do my push ups and planks – the only way to release the stress from work. Book work needs to move forward, too, so I can tell my family good things I’m going to do for them in future. My guru is standing by me. He’s the only Cancerian that I know who is tough and doesn’t take shit from anyone. I sometimes wonder how often he’s fallen on his face to become who he is. It will be a productive...

Three Libras

Rest both your feet on your desk. It’s a kind of day you would try to teach yourself how to move each single toe on its own. If you are a former piano player you would’ve practiced that with your fingers. Fingers are much more mobile since you have long phalanges and metacarpals. But toes have a slightly different composition and need more practice if you ever want to use them more. You have to pay attention to them and speak to them like Beatrix did in the movie. If you ever want to get to know yourself better you need to get to know your toes. Here’s a little story or observation: When totally still I have a massive gap between the big toe and the rest. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard about toe readings, but I was told it meant that I was an isolated person – a loner. Unfortunately they didn’t say I was a good actress. I still believe that I can teach myself, though. However, I pay attention to my toes and notice that the big toe likes to spend time alone, every now and then it works well in conjunction with the ball of my foot and it gives me stability. The second, middle and ring toe, on the other hand, are a trio that like to have fun; often they would stretch upward together and pretend they’re as big as the big toe, but the big toe doesn’t give a fuck. Their little sister, the pinkie toe, lacks confidence and usually keeps to herself whenever her siblings are trying to reach high. Sometimes she looks over to the big toe and wonders why they can’t be close since they’re so similar to each other. At least when the second, middle and ring toe are not moving they would involve their little sister in a cuddle and ask her how she’s doing. She needs that little love, as otherwise she’d feel useless. I don’t use her often, either, unless I’m doing some form of balance exercise. And now a little secret: The second toe has a thing for the big toe and would occasionally put her head on big toe’s shoulder. He doesn’t mind. I still feel like I need to teach each single one how to look after itself. I look after them by massaging them for a better circulation. The big toe likes it when I press just below the ball of my foot. It bends forward as though thanking me. And when pressing into the arch of my foot...

I don’t

Enough of beating around the bush and metaphors – I shall be plain and simple for this one.   I don’t care what people think anymore. I don’t care what people don’t understand. I don’t care what people really see. I don’t care if I’m a socially awkward introvert.   If it doesn’t feel right, it just doesn’t.   We’re all different and that’s all there is. I won’t take shit from anyone anymore. I won’t let anyone push me towards something that’s not right for me. I won’t chase anyone, unless I have a serious bone to with them. And I will no longer explain things more than twice.   I’m sick of feeling bad. I’m sick of feeling guilty. I’m sick of waiting. All for no good reason.   I will do what makes me feel good (without harming others). I will do what I think is right.   If you ask me who I am, all I can say is that I’m someone with anxieties that decided not to go on medication (, because I have my own ways of dealing with them). If you have a problem with that you have to go, otherwise I will.   When I say it’s enough, trust me, it is enough.   On the other hand I care about a lot of things. However, a majority of it is broken and it’s beyond my ability to fix it. If you know how it feels and if you can empathise – good. If you cannot, then don’t say a word. I’m not stupid, I would obviously focus on what I can fix.   It sucks to be a Cancer, because it takes more time to toughen up; we fall on our faces often, because we hold on for too long, or we set our hopes too high, while deeply inside we know it’s not right. My favourite Cancer is in his fifties – and he knows how people tick, but I...