I swear to God that I will get myself a gun.

Lovely moments never last that long and you know it, don’t you. Once it’s over you light your cigarette. Well, at least you know when it’s over. A cigarette to prepare you for the worst day and another when you’re through it. That’s what life is like at the moment. Every now and then you go dancing, but it just doesn’t seem to be the same anymore. People’s taste of music has changed vehemently. They rarely play your favourite songs now. So what’s left? Your room and your computer, oh yes! For you to do whatever you want to do and listen to what you want. You don’t sign in to chat to people, because you don’t feel like it. Some resent you for doing that, so what. And your mobile’s off and the other’s unplugged. FUCKING RESENT ME THEN! You need to learn to be strong, hard and stress resistent, but you’re trying to do everything without being any of those. That’s no good. Not at all. You think it’s a good way to learn by crushing yourself into trouble, but in the end it just turns out worse than the trouble itself. At least you’re not the only one who thinks the older you get, the more frightened you become. Then suddenly you remember having felt something like that as a child and the same kind of fear re-occurs. That’s the moment where you want to shoot yourself in the fucking face.

The new year has only just begun and I already find myself under pressure regarding time. I need to get my driver’s license and I need to get my plans for England sorted as well. Also I want to get on with my writing and I want to start reading again. I’m spending way too much time on revising for the theory test lately. I failed it the first time two weeks ago, which was my fault, because I hadn’t practised all the papers. I wish I wasn’t that hectic and that I would take more time to enjoy certain moments. Lately I feel as if I’m getting stupid…in the sense of thinking slowly and having problems to comprehend. I guess that’s all due to the lack of concentration. I’m also a bad driver. I’ve been driving since August 2008 and my driving instructor hasn’t yet dared to go on the motorway with me. But to be honest I don’t trust myself enough to do that, yet, either. You ever seen how SpongeBob drives? That’s pretty much me!
Anyway, this is going to be an interesting month I think: Theory test, Alkaline Trio interview and The Haunted interview.
In some ways, I must say I’m very glad 2008 is over, but I still haven’t let go off it. Maybe I’m not quite ready yet for a new beginning, how much I do long for it, though. It’s the same with falling in love or starting a diet. I have a new motto, which is to have fun whenever possible. And also try to live life to the fullest and be more confident in approaching it. The only thing that makes me struggle is money, since it’s money which will help me in getting back to England. But my pocket is empty and my current job at the supermarket will not support me. So in some ways I’m still a wreck, because I need to turn to my family when it comes to money. This makes me think of how envious I am, because my cousin has a full time job as a sales woman. She gained a degree with a correspondence course, which means she studied at home, whereas I actually travelled to another country to study. Yeah, I have experienced more than she has, but still, she has more money than I do. Sometimes I wonder which one I would prefer: Experience or Money. But fuck that, I want both. However, somehow I need to plan on how to get these things. Maybe I need time and patience. Or maybe I shouldn’t plan at all because it’d go out of control in the end. I just don’t know.