When the world comes down

I smoke. Secretly. And I’m getting annoyed with the fact that I still encounter people who see me smoke and then say “Smoking is harmful.” Instead of telling this to an ordinary smoker, they tell it me of all people. How many things do I have to do secretly? How long will I have to hide the real me from people? Maybe I’m everybody’s clown. No, a pantomime from the circus. They laugh at what I am pretending to do. Now it makes more sense, doesn’t it? My driving instructor says that I need to come out of myself and show the real me. But what if I don’t believe in the real me? Since the moment I’m back in Germany I’ve started hiding myself from people. I get scared meeting new people, especially when I don’t know what they actually want from me. I’m looking for a drastic change; a change that I myself can “notice”. The fact that I smoke and have smoked dope is not a sign of change. I’m looking for an inner and outer change. I’m looking to burn pictures from the past, chase the waves on the beach and dance on the dance floor whilst someone special is watching. These are the only ways to satisfy my inner scream.
I’ve got this feeling that I will keep letting people play with me, not just for the hell of it, but for the bit of fun in between. For this little moment of comfort and warmth. Maybe I really need help. But not if I can do the same to people. I’ve never done anyone harm and I wonder what it’s like. I want to be put on the middle of a roundabout and choose a direction myself. One problem that I would encounter is the indecisiveness, but that’s the adventurous part of it all. And I can do with some adventure. Funny is when I imagine my life like Mr Ellis’. Up to the point of being a bad parent. A life filled with drugs, lies and regrets. I admit it’s pure curiosity and that if given the chance, I will enter this path (apart from the ‘bad parent’ part). You don’t get paid for being good or bad, so why does it matter. It has taken me long to realise. Lessons are hard to learn when you feel adventurous and empty. Everything’s more difficult when you’re in the midst of your life. Your ability to learn will decrease and you get more cautious than you ever was. You have probably experienced way too many things, but this feeling for adventure and excitement will always be evident. I’d do anything to fill this emptiness. Even if it’s just for a single minute.

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