Changes to be made

I’m listening to Chinese Poprock. There used to be this famous band from Hong Kong called Beyond. They were the reason why I first got into Chinese music. But it’s no use when I don’t understand a word they sing. The Chinese tend to sing in poetry and use long expressions just to express one single thing. It’s a waste of words really, but not in Chinese and I think that’s what makes my mother tongue so unique. I don’t really regret that I haven’t learnt my language properly from the beginning, though. I mean I was born in another world. I would have become such a different person if had been born in Hong Kong. Very often I think about that. Still, I like the me that I have become now.

My doctor says that I have Chinese blood and that will always stand out. That is probably the reason why it had always been so hard for me to adapt to all the other people at school. I was not just standing out, I was isolated. Or I isolated myself, unconsciously. I never really realised that I was a Chinese, I thought I was just like all the others – pale-faced and blonde. It never occurred to me that they saw me with different eyes.

At school it is common to bring sweets when you have a birthday. I used to bring a lot of sweets: chocolate, chewing gum, candy and marshmellows. All packed beautifully in one plastic bag for each single one of them. That was when they paid more attention to me and tried to make friends with me. But the day after they’d have forgotten about the sweets.

I never used to eat at school. I was afraid to eat to be quite truthful. I didn’t like people watching me when I ate. This reminds me of Philip K. Dick. He was the same. He found it absolutely barbaric to eat, especially in front of people.
Nowadays, I don’t mind it, but I can’t eat big food like a kebap or a huge burger in front of a man, because it looks disgusting, totally not feminine. It’s a total turn down and I know it. Just imagining the whole sauce around your mouth and salad sticking between your teeth – so disgusting. Generally I get nervous when eating in front of a man. I need to trust them, then it’s fine.

It’s all about trust and it’s starting to piss me off. Why is it so hard to trust people? I used to trust people easily but now…? What’s more interesting is, I don’t trust this feeling in my stomach, which I call spontaneity and I don’t trust the voice in my head, which I call lack of self respect and I don’t trust my heart which eventually is self-denial.

This needs to change, but I don’t know how.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *