msselfdestruct84

I just had a run and feel slightly freer, but not quite. My mind’s still locked up like a codeless safe. However, I’m writing again, so why do I moan?

I thought I saw a ghost at work today, but optic deception happens a lot lately. You know what it’s like when you see things you wanna see?

There are so many lines on my palm, I wonder what else exciting is going to happen. I need some excitement in my life very badly. I want to react more, look forward to things and get told that I can do it, whatever it is. Because right now I’m unable to tell myself anything. I don’t believe in what I say anymore. I seem to be a bigger liar than my ex, which is scary.

I think I’ve become more conscious than I was before, as if I’m not on “prescribed” drugs anymore. I think I’ve learnt to control it now. Or has my body adapted to them? Maybe I’ve learnt by myself how to concentrate. I gotta take this chance to read more. Not for uni, but for myself. Also I need to learn to drive more carefully. For the rest of my life just learning. I do need that. I’ve become a crappy learner. My brain’s not functioning as desired. That’s when you wish you had done more in your childhood rather than sitting tight in the chair, doing nothing.

It’s going to take a while until life gets brighter…brighter than sunshine? Ah that’s a dream. Too many dreams that are unfulfilled. And it’s so hard to wake up. As you don’t want to wake up. The next step would be to get up and the third would be to make it happen. Too much effort, ey? But what more do we have in life…

I still resent the magician for lying to me. He told us all to ask him a question and send the question to his heart, which I did. Then he told us to close our eyes, because he was sending us the answers. And that’s where he lied to me. Bastard. It’s childish to believe in magic. Maybe I only sent him the question because I thought it was exciting and because I can be superstitious. But he lied to me anyways.

I got nothing more to say. A dirty old man (who I’d probably slept with in my previous life) once said “These words I write keep me from total madness.”

And I feel slightly freer now.

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