Choleric or phlegmatic? Or both?

I have a big head, a blocked nose, sore eyes and dry lips. The typical symptoms of a bad day like everyone would say. Nothing new that I am not stress-resistant. I hate dealing with customers, but I don’t think there is a job where you are free from people. If it was at least a small group of people. I nearly lost my temper at the tills today. I don’t take complaints well, especially if it’s not my fault. The fact is I don’t say sorry. It was hell in England when I had to say sorry constantly. But I’m not sorry at all. I hardly ever am. I’m never sorry for what I do. (Except for treating my mum like shit.)

Now I’m here hiding from my mum, because I was close to yelling at her again. The bonsai plant I bought her and dad for their 25th anniversary seems to be dying. The leaves are dry and are about to fall off. Probably a sign that this is not a happy house or bad care. We don’t know how to treat plants, except water it every now and then. I mean what is fertiliser? How do you use it? I have no idea…but I bought it for them nonetheless. And now the plant is fucking dying. Makes me feel shit somehow. I wasn’t made to look after anything or anyone.

God, what an awful day…

You know where I want to be right now? I had a dream the other week.

I dreamt of someone special. I wonder what his name is and I wonder where he is from. I laid my head on his chest whilst he was holding me. I hadn’t felt that wanted in a long long time. But I have changed my mind, I won’t be looking for him. I’ll let him find me. As I have decided never to look for anyone again. Then again I should not say “never”, when I might. Is he the one I’ve always been in love with? Or is he just the perfect match that I created in my own head? Well it does me no good racking my brains over it, right? It was simply a dream.

That’s where I want to be…in his arms.

I’m not exactly sure what makes me so tired lately. The last time I felt like that was when I was still on the tablets. However, I don’t want to say I need them, even though I know I do. There’s a lump in my throat, it’s hurting like hell. My nose still blocked and my eyes are sore. It’s pretty obvious what comes next. But it’s not gonna come. You wanna bet? Sure you do. Looking down at me with your bottle of beer.

It’s not gonna come. It’s not.

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