Truth be told I’m lying.

First of all, I have no intentions of telling the truth of how I feel about certain things that I’m going to tell you about now. Therefore I will be lying. Don’t even think of taking any of this seriously…

Why do I bother telling people that I feel lonely, I’m not. I just can’t have enough time for myself. I have become quieter than before. Being in groups is still utter horror to me and I try my best to simply get out of it. Groups consisting of strangers that is; people who know each other but are strangers to me. I won’t make the first step to talk, I’ve never been that way and I never will be. I have my own way of getting to know people. I couldn’t care less about the other ways like getting introduced to 5-6 strangers at the same time. Who cares about how I feel about certain people. Some can just come and then disappear forever for all I care.
There is no use getting to know people who have no influence on your life. Why would you buy shoes that don’t fit you.

I can curse my honesty sometimes. I got chatted up last night in my favourite club. That guy asked me whether I went to the club often. I said yes and I even told him when my favourite party night was. So, well what if he shows up next time and insists on buying me a drink? How the fuck can I send him to hell? I couldn’t give a shit about guys who are interested in me. How non-challenging. How boring. Interest is not enough.

My fucking skin. I want to tear off my fucking skin, shed it and then grow a new one. One that’s healthy and free from chronic stress and allergy. Sometimes I get so choleric and angry that I could skin myself. But why blaming the skin, when the blood’s causing all the trouble.

I was talking to a friend of mine. Very lovely, caring and confident. She’s over twenty and still a virgin; never been kissed either and never had a boyfriend. Anyone who likes her needs to mean it and show it and eventually propose to her if so. She has never been in love either. What can you say – respect. But I haven’t actually made up my mind about how I really think about it. Still, I’m not going to share my opinion on this and I’m definitely not going to lie.

And I constantly complain about having wasted my youth. What about my friend? Well, she has been working hard for her future and still is. She is going to make something out of herself. This makes me ask myself whether I’m doing the same. I don’t know. I haven’t let go off the past…what a burden and that’s all I can worry and mourn about. Have I ever lived for today? (I have shared my opinion anyhow.)

After all, have I been lying about my feelings at all throughout this post? I was testing myself.
Being unable to lie is a curse. There are so many people I want to lie to and I seem to fail each time. There are people who just don’t deserve knowing the truth or they’re just not ready. Even though I’m obsessed by it, I’m not ready for it either. Until then, question marks will cover the meaning. Until then, it will remain sealed.

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