Being able to resist anything but temptation

Some alone time is good. Just haven’t lived it to the fullest yet. It’s not the time for it now anyway. I will do that once everyone has forgotten about me. There are people I want to spend time with right now. It may seem like it’s ages away, but in less than four months I will not be here anymore. Therefore I owe my friends some time. How much I do want to be alone sometimes, I just can’t waste these hours on myself. So much to that.

I have this feeling that I contradict myself very often. I say I’ll do this and that but in the end I forget about it. Luckily it’s just simple things like “taking a break from myspace”. And here I am, typing and typing. I don’t seem to be able to keep my fingers off the keyboard. You know the moment you start eating crisps? You can’t stop until the bag is empty. What a horrible habit. I cannot resist letters – letters that form words and of course you can’t resist crunchy crisps. Resistance is such a difficult thing. Right now I can’t fight against it; when it starts to itch, I’ll scratch it. Sometimes until it bleeds. I’m not given much of a chance at the moment; therefore I can’t say I’m sinning at all. I have good people around me; I have my friends and family. All decent and trustworthy. But I still feel empty at some point and constantly have to think of the past; like thinking of people I had missed out my chances with for example. Thinking about it isn’t going to change anything, though, especially whining about it. But the hard thing is to deal with it. I resisted temptation just to prove faithfulness and I can’t tell whether it was dumb or what. But that’s another story.

The other day I saved a snail again. I have the tendency to save snail from pathways. They usually come out on rainy days, wondering round like tourists visiting a foreign city. But the snail I saved was lying upside down and it had pooped itself full. The black bunch of excrement was lying on its body. The look of it was dreadful. I thought that must be what life is like when no one’s there to give you a slap in the face. I grabbed it with two fingers to put it back on its feet (did I say feet?). So it was literally standing on its own shit. I refused to do anything more than that. I’ll help you to stand up, but I won’t help you cleaning up your shit. I’ll keep you away from woodlice and ants, but nothing more than that. The day after the snail was nowhere to be found.

This story reminds me of another one from the past. I used to hang out with great people except a few who were off their heads. There was one summer where my friends and I were having a barbeque. It was a rather humid summer and therefore many slugs were about. And I was watching a (so-called) friend doing something absolutely horrible. I personally think that slugs are disgusting, but they are not much different from snails. I touch snails, but I wouldn’t touch a slug. Well, what my (so-called) friend did was pouring salt on its body. These creatures can’t scream, they can’t shout at you, they can’t express their pain to you. Its body became slimier and you knew the salt was burning it to death. I can’t believe that I was just sitting there – watching him do it. He laughed. I did nothing.

This is where I started to think about karma. Karma will pay it back to him. I told a very special person that I saved snails from pathways and he told me that was a good karma and in my next life I might become a snail myself; a snail that will live its life to the fullest. I’m not sure about that to be honest…That slug won’t ever forgive me for watching it getting killed.

Maybe my head wasn’t clear back then. I don’t know. However, I used to be a very crude person in the past and I guess that was my problem. I was numb and hardly knew how to react to certain things. I didn’t have much that would stimulate my mind. Gosh that was such a long time ago. I would never want to be the same person again.

I was told that I was a sober-minded writer. This makes me want to try something out in my next blog entry. It’s going to be an experiment that involves no one but my own self. So beware.

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