Absinthe rush

I suppose I prepared it correctly. You put a cube of sugar on top of the spoon and carefully pour cold water over it. Once the green has turned opaque, it’s perfect, right?

It’s been twenty minutes since consumption and I think I’m ready. I was shitting myself this afternoon, fearing to face this very moment, fearing to type these words, fearing of what might come out of this. There have been thousands of thoughts in my head the past couple of weeks; re-occurring thoughts that should have been dealt with a long time ago.

But now my mind is in flames and I can see everything clearly; all those pictures of the past right in front of me. And only this time I will be courageous enough to make confessions and to let it all out. It’s time to let go, therefore I’m ready to face the demons of regret, hate and wrath.

Bukowski must have been writing in the same condition as me. His honesty is incredible. Oh God, how much I value honesty. However there are people who need to learn to appreciate it. Life is too short for lies and secrets. And I consider my life way too valuable and therefore mourning over the past is not going to bring back anything, as there is no chance of re-living the past. Time to let go.

Here on facebook, I’m going to tag everyone that I’m going to mention in this blog entry. If you want it or not. If you don’t want to have anything to do with me afterwards, then fine. I’ll accept it, but please talk to me before you go. I might not see any of you ever again, but still you deserve to know the truth.

My head is spinning and before I realise what I’m actually doing, I will just do it without thinking. I’m going to dedicate this to honesty: my religion. I have no time for white lies, either. In the next hours you will learn nothing but the truth. This is the only way for me to start a new chapter in my life; the long awaited chapter.

I don’t always tell the truth, because there are times where I’m simply not courageous enough to pull it through. This is the reason for my experiment. I hate this, but it was the only way. I lack of courage, but not tonight.

I had a moment of synchronicity last night and I knew I was ready for writing this, because if I don’t do it, this shit won’t ever stop haunting me.

So much for the introduction. The game begins now.

I am not a person who can do the same things over and over again. I couldn’t live without the flow of changes, no matter if it’s good or bad. This is why I like trying new things out and I wouldn’t hesitate trying anything. But I’m not often given the chance, you know? Everyone around me is decent and caring; they want the best for me. It’s no reason to complain, but after a while I will get bored.

Right now I’m going through a phase where I can neither trust women nor men. I’ve always got on better with men and certain girls often hated me for that, but jealousy is the least of my problems. However, I trust neither gender, which ultimately states that I don’t trust anyone anymore. I’m still learning to trust myself, so what do you fucking want from me!

Misogyny used to be one of favourite topics, but I couldn’t care less anymore. Don’t we all just want the same thing? So what if the one gender is more sensitive and the other more rational? Who cares anyway? Unfortunately the two genders make us who we are and we seem to be doomed to interact with each other.

Boys and girls – this is who we are. However, this co-existence involves too much trouble. You all know what trouble I’m talking about.

I’ve been through seven years of trouble. The one or the other surely has more experiences. We all have our stories; stories that made us who we are now. Though, some of us don’t feel it’s necessary to tell these stories. I’m telling them because they are killing me.

My head is pounding and my heart is racing. My whole body is warm. I still don’t know what I am exactly doing, but I want to finish this before I realise what I’m really doing. There is no time.

I cannot stop thinking about the past. Already the thought of it makes me clench my fists hard.
Someone had stolen four years of my life and I won’t ever forgive this person. No one has ever lied to me more than he. I am the stupid one because I let it all happen and I believed in those lies even though I knew they were all doing me no good. But once you’re in love you are no longer yourself. He cheats on you once, you take him back. He cheats on you twice, you take him back. I don’t even want to tell you what I did when he cheated on me for the 5th time.

Thinking back makes me want to slap myself in the face. What would you do when someone said to you that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, but he just wasn’t ready for it yet? Of course you are moved, because he said he wanted to spend the rest of his fucking life with you! The only thing you didn’t know is he wants you to sit in the corner and wait for him whilst he goes out to sleep with other girls. So much to “not being ready”. Do you think I was clever enough back then to realise that this was what he wanted from me? To sit in the corner and wait? I was too stupid to approach other boys, simply because I was blindly in love and I insisted on being faithful. But what did I get for it? Nothing.

Being taken for granted of course. My heart and body got used, but it didn’t bother me at that time. I mean he still wanted to spend the rest of his life with me (!). All that time I was holding on to the wrong thought. I should have listened to my mother. She said to me that the first love wouldn’t last.

We got together in spring 2002. Two weeks after we had gotten together, he already started cheating on me. But I didn’t find out until months later. At that time I had already formed attachment. I was fully devoted. But I didn’t get anything back. The cheating went on and on for four years. You know, you don’t have to tell me that I am stupid. At least I am not stupid now, ain’t I.

Still he did love me, but that wasn’t enough. And if you think you can change a person, then think again. A person can only change when he wants to. You can’t do shitall, so you might as well give up. Respect them, but if you can’t, then leave them. But I didn’t have the courage to leave.

He was selfish and indecisive. He bought me a pair of shoes for my birthday, but do you know what? He found two pairs that he liked but couldn’t decide which pair he wanted. So you know what he did? He bought all two of them; simply because he couldn’t decide and because he was someone who wanted all. He was the same with girls. Extremely possessive and obsessive. However, he expected me to feel special, because I was his “favourite”. I mean who did he think I was? It took me a while to realise that love was not enough.

I got into fights with all the girls that he was hiding in his bed, even with this fourteen year old(!). But she was a Cancerian just like me. She was too young to realise that love makes you blind. I wasn’t experienced enough to realise it myself. After all that it was worth making friends with just one girl and that’s Louise. She was the only one who truly loved him, too, but she was told the same lies and got hurt just the same. She is the only good thing about having known my ex.

At uni, I suffered my first panic attacks and was close to a mental breakdown. It was funny going to the doctors saying that I might suffer from asthma, due to trouble breathing. In the end my doctor said it was simply a panic attack. All I can say is that I never had those before.

I don’t want to go deeper into the story. It’s time for confessions now. The relationship with my ex went on and off. That is whenever he decided to see someone else. But nonetheless, I remained faithful and therefore I had missed dozens of opportunities during my time at university in England. It was one of the best times of my life but also one of the most disappointing and I blame my faithfulness. I met so many nice guys who were a hundred times better than my ex, but still I wouldn’t let them come any closer to me.

The first one who was sweet to me was Steve. After having smoked some dope he would always knock on my door and ask me “How are you?” I liked him when he was high; he had this angelic face and dreamy eyes. There was one moment in the student union where I would have loved to kiss him. The thought of my ex ultimately prevented me from doing it, though. Besides that I didn’t want to hurt Steve. I’m so glad that I still have him as a friend.
That was confession number one.

The next one who treated my nicely was Pete. I remember having an awesome meal with him. We got on so well that I had started to like him. Then the moment came where I was in his room. We had spent hours talking and eventually we kissed. This was the furthest I ever got. Afterwards I rejected him and I was very sorry about that. Still am.

The next one I rejected was Sam. Simply by falling out with him and not talking to him anymore for months. But here I didn’t have any interest other than friendship. I valued our friendship a lot, still do. And I am glad that everything went ok in the end. However there was a time where I did wonder whether I like him or not. But friendship was stronger.

Then along came Matthew. Here I could really kill myself for messing up my chances with him. He was so nice to me and truly had feelings for me as well. No one had ever shown me so much respect. He said I made him feel good about himself. No one had ever told me anything like that before. But I knew I was hurting him by hanging round with him so much, but it felt so good being with him. A girl just wants someone as dedicated as him. When thinking about us two sitting at the noodle bar exchanging Christmas presents makes me want to cry. It couldn’t have been more wonderful than that, but I didn’t let anything happen. So of course no one is going to wait for you forever, when you constantly keep the door shut. Here my chances with him were officially over.

The next confession is the one I’m most scared about. So I keep asking myself what if I only had one day to live. What would I do? I would definitely make this confession of course. I got to know Nick at the second year of uni, but I didn’t make much of him at that time, not until third year. That was where I saw this sparkle in his eyes. That hit me like a rock and my emotions were all stirred up. Then I realised that I had fallen for him. I would make sure not to miss his lessons. My heart would pound crazily during each lesson and I would listen to every word he said. I would read each book that he had mentioned. He fascinated me, that’s all I can say. I even made him a CD, gave him books and talk with him about my favourite band. I was like a stupid little teenager. You might say that this is stereotypical, but I don’t care. The feelings were real. He helped me a lot. I just don’t think I’ll ever see him again. Every time my ex hurt me I had wished Nick was there, but he was only in my head. It was very painful.

Towards the end of my stay in England I was totally messed up. Unhappily in love and endless stress with my ex who even threatened to break my nose because I had told his mother about the underage girl. Police were involved and I was busy with my final exams. I still wonder how I managed to pass. I was such a mess back then. After all I realised that it was finally over and that I would never see him again. Still I was off my head and I was offering sex to people, because I wanted to be rid of my ex for good. Chris was the only one who responded with sincerity and told me to calm down. Hell knows what I would have done if he hadn’t talked to me. Even now he is telling me to re-connect with my spiritual side. And honestly I still don’t know what he is talking about. In a way I do, but I’m way too focused on what my body is telling me.

Since I’m back in Germany I haven’t had much luck. I’ve only encountered love with geographical issues. Mixen is my first lesson of a one night stand. It wasn’t supposed to be like that at first, but I think it just simply didn’t work, which was ok. I mean he was being truthful right at the beginning. Again I was stupid and naive. I traveled all the way up to Copenhagen to see him. And the day after I got sent home. I was constantly telling myself that it was ok, but I was suffering from it for months and even started smoking occasionally since then. I couldn’t deal with it. I met him again not long ago and we seemed to still get on well, so I thought we were still friends. Nevertheless, a few days ago he deleted me from facebook. Just like that. No goodbye.

Earlier this year I met Dan from London, whom I had the longest and most refreshing conversation with so far this year. Talking in English is one of my greatest passions. I immediately felt attracted to him. He even gave me my fifth kiss. Then he had to go back to London. The next thing I did was booking a flight and hotel to go see him. But bad timing had ruined the trip for me. It didn’t work out. So in the end the only advantage of the trip was to use that opportunity to clear my head. I needed time to think about what I had been doing at all. Am I supposed to follow guys around the globe? Spending my dad’s money in order to find love?

Goddamn.
I don’t know why I do so much for guys. What’s in there for me?
And people wonder why I think so little of myself.

I don’t know what I have become. My ex would just laugh at me if he read this. Who knows, he would probably even be happy to see me like this. All I can think about is why is he not dead, yet? This is a question that constantly flies around in my head.
Now I’ve reached the point where I have no more romanticism left for anyone.
Maybe this all was a lesson; a lesson for not having grabbed my chances whilst I had them.

I don’t know about second chances. Who knows whether I’ll meet someone like Matthew again? Someone who respects me and doesn’t take me for granted. But right now I have other problems I need to deal with. So a lover would just complicate my plans. And I don’t want to be back in that hole again.

I’m too tired now. All I think about is my family. They are the only people who truly care about me and would do anything for me. What distances me from them is the fact that I don’t share these thoughts with them, because it’s unnecessary. It’s something I need to deal with on my own. So why worry them.

This is as honest as I can get. Whether you understand it or not. I’m writing this, because I want to leave it behind. If some of you feel attacked or offended, then you know what to do.

I’m coming to an end now. So what do you think you get for being honest? If you have read “The Misanthrope” by Molière, then you know.

I’ll be offline from here for a while. The only updates will be available on Twitter.

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