With a thousand words to say

No more words of the past and no more regrets to pull you back. Forever buried in oblivion and keep the unconscious free. Was the experiment a failure or a success? I am not sure myself. But this is a new page. There is no time for suffocating lies and misleading illusions. Eyes wide open and ears sharp. Talk when necessary and touch when it does no harm. I’ve spent too much time in bed, writhing and staring into the dark. Then I realised that forming attachment is something scary and dangerous. It brings you to the verge of destruction; if not self destruction, then the destruction of the world around you. This is how you feel when you are scared and confused at the same time when getting close to somebody. Sometimes your body is in need of frenzy and you begin to take risks. Sometimes you do it for the sake of adventure, but most likely it is for the sake of the experience, which is ok. But it includes plenty of naivety as well, which means that your head is not clear, whereas your heart is brimming with excitement, titillation and sensation. But there is this disquietude and apprehension which you tend to ignore, which is NOT ok, because your head is talking here. And here I’ve learnt something. I have proved my foolishness to myself, but I’m not going to warn anyone. Aren’t people designed to do mistakes? Sometimes the same one twice? Words are no use here; it’s the event itself that counts. Once you’ve felt it yourself, you will know what I’m talking about. You cannot stop people from doing something, which they will regret in the end. They will not listen, as they are audacious and frivolous, especially the young. You can only talk about naivety and inexperience with the wise and old and have a good laugh. At least they will understand you to some degree. But nobody needs to understand you fully. Nobody must understand you fully. I mean you don’t want to give yourself away, do you? A kafkaesque mind is what you need. Then no one will ever manage to destroy you. I hope it makes sense to you, because you should not make sense at all. The incomprehensible mind is your army and you use it to defend yourself. Despite of my honesty, I do have barriers built in my head and my army is standing right in front of it, watching out, even more attentively now. In my last blog entry you can just find confessions and maybe some self-pity, but I hardly tried to explain anything to you, because there is no use. I tried to keep my feelings to myself. You won’t understand them anyway, even though you might have gone through something just as similar. Anyone that approaches you wants to either help you or destroy you. Unfortunately you cannot always tell at the first sight what someone really wants from you. Often they don’t want to destroy you, but they want their pain to be inflicted on you, whereupon you ultimately become a part of the misery. Their cry for help makes you want to do something. Once you fail in helping, you see yourself as nothing and the world around you begins to fall asunder. It’s an anguish of mind. The thought of having “tried” is no motivation either. These aren’t the words of a pessimist, these are my words. For me “trying” is an obvious thing to do. It’s not something that’s supposed to make you feel proud of yourself, though. It’s your job when you want to live. You try to enroll to a university and you try to become a better person. Some people would give up before trying. And those people are a fucking waste of my time. They are already dead in my eyes. “Trying” should be more natural nowadays. People don’t realise that trying is hope. It’s a reason to live. And you may mourn when you fail, because you didn’t get what you deserve. Elsewhere they will you give you another try. These aren’t the words of an optimist, these are my words. People who afflict you with their pain are no good. You might as well help them stand back on their feet and then leave them without doing anything more. They need to learn to shovel their own shit. I will carry on trying until I’m sick of living. Once you have achieved all your goals, you may retreat and that is when trying will have come to its end. Hopefully then you will be happy with no regrets. But one day all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Nobody will remember you or even know of you. So your job is trying to change this as well as you can. Why do we remember James Dean, Goethe and Dali? I think this is quite obvious and needs no explanation in greater depth (I can’t be bothered anyways). Self-fulfillment is the word. If your only aspiration is to get married and have kids then go ahead and leave me alone. Don’t bother inviting me to your annual barbeque. I might have a totally different view on life, but like all ambitious people I’m simply rolling a rock up the hill and I’m ready to run anyone over who wants to thwart me. I’ve made too many stops on this journey and I refuse to admit that those were necessary stops. Now I will only stop to ask for the way or for water. Anything else like seductive eyes and gentle hands will just attempt to lead me astray. Right now I’m too exhausted and scared to continue this journey. There’ll be a fresh new start this autumn. For the time being I will prepare myself. There will be no more foolish games. Trustworthy people are those who make an effort for you and don’t take you for granted.

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