Silence vs. Honesty

I am feeling so cold and hot at the same time, still overwhelmed by tiredness and exhaustion. Waiting for the perfect time to cry, I’m amazed that I can still hold it. I thought that I would be free soon and that I could leave everything and everyone behind and start a new chapter again. Wrong. It is the first time that I actually realized that things don’t always go my way and that I can’t have them as I wish. I never thought that I was so selfish like that. The thought of being stuck here is depressing me. It’s just a matter of time how long the others will stick with me. I’m not sure whether I’m ready to make any more effort. If I could only just shut up and leave for good. I’m not even telling my sister any secrets anymore. Don’t think she’s interested. She doesn’t even seem to know me. And my parents’ attitude towards me has changed, too. I act like a wandering ghost and they don’t recognise me anymore. What am I talking…it’s my attitude that has changed. My family knows nothing about me except my past uncontrollable anger and bad temper. How I just use their money for my own advantage.
I wear Saturn on my back and Rorschach’s signature on my wrist. I have so many horrible things to say, but I can’t spit them out. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to lose any more people that I care about. Having lost a good friend is bad enough. If I open my mouth now you will all turn away afterwards. And I can’t let honesty do this to me. Not this time. I don’t know why everything has become so hard all of a sudden.

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