28 Ghosts IV

Every night I go to bed I get scared of ghosts. When lying in bed I’d always be facing the outside, so I can see if someone is standing right there in front of me. The last time I felt like that was when I was still in England after an eight hours conversation with Chris. We did talk about the dead and I think that struck me very badly. That night I slept with the desk lamp on and I had Nine Inch Nails on repeat. I was alone in the house as well. Whenever I had my eyes closed for a while, I would force myself to open them again, because I felt watched by a ghost. Maybe it would reveal itself to me, I thought, so I had to check every minute.
And last night I turned my television on and went to sleep. I had been asleep for half an hour when something (ended up being nothing) woke me up. I had my eyed wide open and saw a glittering red net all over me, as if I was caught in the web of a black widow. Immediately I turned the lights on and everything was gone. Someone had turned my television off as well. After having turned the lights off again, I went back to bed. That was when I felt a heavy tremble on my bed, as if something was underneath it. I jumped out of it again and switched the lights back on. Nothing. Then I realized that it was me who was trembling heavily. My whole body was vibrating and all my muscles were tensed up.
I never used to be scared of the dark, not until now.

All my current dreams are broken pieces, which are parts of something big.

I’ve also been dreaming about animals. I was walking in a large dirty puddle full of mini crocodiles and turtles. It was wrong of me to believe that the turtles weren’t dangerous. Hell they were. They were all ready to attack. The way back to the street was too long and I just couldn’t deal with that fear anymore, so I forced myself to wake up. Also I had a weird dream about my dog Mikey. He was able to speak. But instead of saying lovely things, we argued so badly until I was in tears. The moment I woke up I just had to go to him and cuddle him.

Yesterday was a horrible day. The heat also causes fierce moods in the house; usually starting off with my mother freaking out over nothing. Since it’s so easy to aggravate me, too, I just joined in and started screaming. However, there was a catalyst. My mother asked me whether to throw away the Bonsai plant (, which I gave to her and dad for their 25th anniversary). The plant has gone all dry and is close to dying. Something struck me when she said that and I started yelling that she shall do what the fuck she wants. Today I saw that the plant was still in the kitchen. I wish she hadn’t asked me for permission in first place. I always get such great presents for everyone else, except for my parents.

However I’m not moaning about the summer, I’m just illustrating what summer induces at my home.

Oh God, you have no idea what I’m longing for. Besides that there so many people I cannot be bothered with and I lack of courage to tell them. I just want to have the past done with. There are not many people from the past that are worth keeping. I can’t even think of more than five. Talked too much. Need to stop. Before anyone can read between the lines. Need to stop.

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