Rather indecisive than joining the grey

Right now my head feels heavier than the body of an obese child. My head is the main reason why I feel heavy in general. It’s like being 56kg again, but thank God I’m nearing 51kg.

I’ve been making a lot of effort lately to approach certain people. I’m just not entirely clear about how I feel about it. But I’ve come up with the conclusion that it is not the closeness or nearness that I’m after. It’s the want to prove that I can be a good friend, that I’m trustworthy and reliable. I can listen and I’m courageous enough to say my opinion. Though, there just isn’t anything more than that what people should expect from me. As many of you may know I don’t like to talk, especially dislike discussions. Many times it depends. You can have a good 6-8 hours conversation with me and this will be your most memorable experience with me. It’s very unlikely that the same thing will ever happen again. It often depends on what path you decide to choose in the end.

There was a group of children (between 4 and 6 years of age) at the bus stop this afternoon. There were about 20 of them with 4 supervisors. The boys were extremely hyper, whereas most of the girls would sit down next to their female supervisor and have lunch. One little girl in pink and glasses approached me curiously, but was too shy to look at me in the eyes for too long. She asked what my name was. I told her, and then asked for hers. Next she wanted to know where I lived. But I don’t think she was listening to me, as she started to walk away. I don’t know why I talked to her. I wish I had simply ignored her. The supervisors didn’t even see that she was talking to strangers. What distinguishes me from those kids is that at that age I spoke no word. I was a ghost. But that girl spoke to me. She saw me. I wish I had paid her no attention.

My dog Jesse got 4 teeth pulled out. He didn’t take the anesthesia too well. So when he woke up he was constantly puking gooey, viscous blood; blood that he had been swallowing after the surgery. We had to take him to the vet at 1 in the morning. He had to be taken care of, so we left him at the vet overnight. When we came back home his step brother Mikey was wondering where he was. He kept running back towards the door to see whether Jesse was there. Something similar happened another time: Mikey came into my room, looked at me and then looked under my bed to see whether Jesse was hiding underneath. I suddenly felt so touched that I started to cry. After a while Mikey realized that Jesse wasn’t there and he went to sleep in Jesse’s bed. Don’t get me wrong, Mikey is the cleverer of the two and he can be very devious if he wants to, but last night he did miss Jesse.

I failed in helping yesterday. Well, not really. The truth is I didn’t make enough effort. It’s no big news that I save snails from the pathway, right? You already know that I have the tendency to just pick them up and put them back on the lawn. Well yesterday there was a baby snail with a severely damaged shell, which looked kind of halfway melted. Usually I would grab hold of the snail, thumb and forefinger holding the shell, but it was not possible with the baby snail, because the shell was too fragile. I went to get a leaf, so it could crawl onto it, but that stubborn bastard didn’t want to. I tried to force it to by rubbing the leaf under his face and still he would do nothing but hide. I was in a hurry so I gave up on him. And yes, now I feel guilty. I have pictures of karma in my head. It’s weird that in these cases I feel more drawn to animals than to humans.

Still I’ve been wondering too much about good and bad, right and wrong. I think Immanuel Kant is the only person who knew how to distinguish these oppositions from each other.

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