The right language and pronunciation

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I don’t even know where to start. Right now I sense little tiredness, but as soon as I’m asleep, I can sleep nine hours straight. Other people open their eyes widely when I tell  them I go to bed between five and six AM. The reason? Because my time of peace starts at 1AM. But being alone for four to five hours is simply not enough. The time passes faster during night than during day.  Of course it’s because I’m extremely busy with reading and writing. Every time I look at the clock, already one hour has passed and I’m under time pressure. You really shouldn’t go to bed later than six AM. Why am I looking for a full time job? Well, my body will have to adapt to the new sleeping routine. Of course I need money, I mean who doesn’t? I would only change this routine for the money. Why do I care if that’s unhealthy? Some people start work at night and I’m just one of them.

I hate the day. Being outside, where you meet people every second, no matter on the pathway or in the car. They even look at you, even though you don’t know each other. Nobody would even perceive you if you were in New York.

The phone has rung twice today. That’s another thing that bothers me. I hate this thing, especially the horrible noise. And no I didn’t pick up.

I don’t want to go to the doctor’s again. Unfortunately he doesn’t understand anything. I was suggested to go to a female doctor. I’d rather say no due to my misogynistic views. The phone is ringing again. And again I’m not picking up. Why do they want to meet up with me? Drink coffee with me? Walking round town? Especially on a bright day in the summer. I just want to be alone. But this won’t happen. Usually I agree to meet up, because I feel like I owe them my presence. Sometimes I call back to arrange a meeting, even though I want to be alone. There are few exceptions, because there are only  a few people who mean something to me.

I think the doctor would describe me as a schizoid who is going to become someone/something bad in future. That’s not true. Humans need closeness, humans need space. And sometimes you need one thing more than the other.

I am selfish, because I’m not ready to seriously help others. Especially not when I’m not even ready yet to help myself fully. I haven’t even made something out of myself, yet.

Many are afraid of being alone, afraid that no one is there for you when you need them. In such cases I feel no fear at all. And I won’t feel anything like that in the next ten to fifteen years. I will be way too busy. It’s enough for me to have people I can write to. I don’t need anything more than that. There are moments where people are unable to be alone and they start to cry. This is where they would immediately call up a friend or go to them. I did this lastly with 19. Now it’s liting a cigarette and go for a walk. There are people who just want to be alone in moments like these. I don’t like people who expect too much from me.

Of course I do long for human touch. Particularly now, as my heart is open and ready to trust again. However, it’s very picky and only falls in love with those who have achieved things in life and manage to touch and cleanse my heart. You only manage this with the right words. In English.

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