The becoming

I’m having my own The Downward Spiral gig right this very moment. Following NIN and Rob Sheridan on Twitter was painful as hell. So they played the entire Spiral album from beginning to end in New York, eh? Thanks Rob for this fucking piece of information. I’d have been better without this shit. You call it epic, I call it bullshit.
Yes, I do act like a bitter child that didn’t get the toy that she was asking for, so be it.
See you again live on stage when I’m 35, when we’re all old and worn out! Fuck’s sake. Envy can kill you from the inside. Feel like I’m not good enough as the American fans. Al Jourgensen played 3hrs with Ministry during their Farewell tour. 3 hrs in each fucking city, no matter where.

It’s all about money.

I just ruined my favourite Bukowski shirt that I wear for bed. It’s medium sized for boys, so it’s rather wide and the sleeve got stuck on the fucking doorknob. I got so pissed off that I pulled even harder until it finally tore a hole. Now I regret having done this. That flow of anger was overwhelming, though. It was such a metaphorical incident as well, that I suddenly had to relate this event to all others that I have experienced in life so far. You know? Just getting things worse than they already are.
Well there was a cause that triggered this little bit of anger. Before that incident my mum had put the (dead) Bonsai plant on my table. (You remember the Bonsai plant from my other blog entries!) She was saying “Let’s be realistic…this plant is dead!” I was looking at the dry brown leaves and the flower soil, which I had never ever fertilized. Why? Because I have no idea how to do it. Why? Because I never informed myself about it. Why? Because I couldn’t be bothered.

It was supposed to be a present for their Silver anniversary. Both of them refused to take care of the plant. It disappointed me. So I didn’t want to take care of it, either. I had done nothing except for watering it. This is what I’m like. And you thought I was such a caretaker.

Current favourite song on the album is ruiner, I’m not sure why. I guess it’s the line that goes nothing can hurt me…nothing can stop me now. These lines make my inside go whooosh! Just as if there was a demon that controls it all. Why worry about if it gives me sensation? Besides it’s a sign of courage and ambition. Ten years ago, I would have cried in bed. So would you go for tears or anger?

I’d better stop before a warm place attempts to mellow me out. What I would write during that song would knock you out. You don’t need to mention hurt.

So much selfish babbling lately, eh? Remember it’s your choice to witness this.

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