September blues

It’s past 1am and therefore my time begins now. I have Darkest Hour on repeat because I felt that their melodic sounds would clear my ears. The entire day has been full of apathy, a bit of rage and self-denial. What was worse is I didn’t know what to do about it. I’m somewhat discouraged. It is nothing new to you that my ex still haunts me in my dreams; at least once a week. No I am not keen on mentioning him, but this is leading to something that I want to tell you about. I think you already have a slight idea about how I imagine Prince Charming? Yes, it is green eyes. I am a sucker for green eyes. In last night’s dream I was with Prince Charming (unfortunately he was nameless and blonde). The reason why I know he was Prince Charming was because there was this intense moment where we were looking into each other’s eyes and I saw my reflection in his with my entire trust. You have no idea how scared I get when it comes to looking into people’s eyes. Reason? I know they’re going to eat my soul. However I felt different about Prince Charming and that already says a lot. But it was only that little moment, which seemed precious. Anyway, don’t you already know that precious moments are ephemeral? Anything else that came after was like biting into a sandwich filled with maggots. Well, firstly the sex was bad, so bad and emotionless that I had to fake an orgasm. Secondly every time I wasn’t looking at him, he’d suddenly be cheating on me with someone else. He’d be having sex right there in front of my eyes. He would even dare to look at me while penetrating some other bitch, as if it didn’t matter. I haven’t been that enraged in my dreams for a long time. I started to build fists and then attempted to hit him in the face. But for some reason I had no power and it didn’t hurt him the slightest. The rage and hate were there, but not the power. I wish I had had something sharp, like a pair of scissors. And I wish Cronos had taken over my body. I’d have let him do the job, as I don’t have the guts. Still you are free to do anything in your dreams. No one but you can see them. Like you have no idea about the story I’m telling you.

So much to Prince Charming.  So much to green eyes. For some strange reason I’m thinking about Bluebeard. He is someone who asks for nothing but trust and everyone abuses it. You must feel so disgusted about the fact that I empathize with a fictional serial killer. I can only shrug my shoulders. My actions are godless, unreasonable and stubborn, because I know no forgiveness. However, family and friends deserve second chances, but lovers zero.

I am looking forward to my second novel, which is going to be about a female doctor, a nymphomaniac suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder. She will be the embodiment of Cronos. Ellen Parker is her name and she will do what needs to be done. Please remember her name, as you will encounter this name again.

I think what totally numbed me the entire afternoon was the disappointment that there was no Prince Charming. But do you know what? So much the better. There’s no one to waste my time, as I’ve already wasted over 1000 days in my youth. I’d like to be free the next ten years. Anyway, I’d still like to have some fun every now and then please. I know it is an easy thing to say, I admit. But it’s true that my family comes first and then my goals. I just don’t think that people can count on me as a good friend that will stick around forever. I’ve become a very bad listener that I sometimes have to remind my heart that I should be empathizing. The weird thing is that I only empathize with people when I observe them. I don’t like hearing them talk anymore, unless they speak in metaphors: Words and descriptions which are strong and bombastic. It’s more interesting when you don’t understand them. What do you want sympathy for anyway? Why would you want people to understand you? This is why I quit visiting my psychiatrist who only referred my character to the culture of my own race. That is not the first step to enter my head Mister. He was just one of those bastards who wouldn’t even recognize me in a crowd full of Asian people. We all look the same, don’t we? Ignorant. At least my gynecologist recognizes me in the supermarket.

I am still scared of ghosts. I never actually wrote the real reason down in my journal. All you knew was that I sleep with the desk lamp on. I am scared of sleeping in the dark, because this is where I feel most vulnerable. I’ve grown to hate sleeping in general. So I only go to sleep when I feel tired.

“Every night I go to bed I get scared of ghosts. When lying in bed I’d always be facing the outside, so I can see if someone is standing right there in front of me.” – July 5th 09

That was the first sentence of my blog entry from over a month ago. On July 28th I had a very bizarre incident that made me question my sanity. So far I’ve only told close people about it. But well, I know many people have it even worse than I do. However, I woke up that night at about 5am. I had forced my eyes open as if I had wanted to escape from a nightmare or something. Strange thing is that I do not remember what I had dreamt. It was just a sudden awakening. And as soon as I had turned my head I saw a fat person wearing a red suit with tartan patterns standing next to my bed. I recognized no head and therefore can’t really tell whether it was a man or a woman, but I guess it was a man. I screamed and then watched this person slowly floating away. I jumped out of my bed to turn the light on. Everything had gone then. The moment I crawled back to bed, I felt a heavy tremble, as if the bed was moving. I screamed again and jumped up. That was when I realized that it had only been my body shaking and not my bed.

God, I don’t want to experience that again. Each night when going to bed, when switching on the desk lamp, I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t see tartan patterns anymore either.

I am scared of the night and yet I adore it so. 4:08am.

I want Prince Charming to give me my soul back. I want to stop living in self-denial and finally let go off this hate. But I can’t.

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