People = SHIT

Isn’t it weird that there are moments where you choose to freeze? It’s not even quite autumn yet, so wearing long sleeve cotton pyjamas would still be too warm. Therefore you choose some random medium-sized t-shirt and you wear nothing else except that and panties. The window of course needs to be open, but the door closed, because others are attempting to sleep. Yes, it’s cold, but why should it bother you?

I have this urge of keeping away from people. Particularly those who have a birthday soon and want to celebrate. It’s so exhausting. When will people quit that? On Ali’s birthday on Friday, I thought I should just give it a go, because the party might turn out well for me somehow and maybe I would get to know some nice people. Fuck that really. All boozers and numerous smokers. My eyes began to burn. Smoking indoors is a horrible thing. There was this one guy (mid thirties maybe – perfect age, but not my type) who was chatting to some of my aquaintances. By the way he eyed me I knew he wanted to talk to me, too, but I stuck around with Pete most of the time, partly because I wanted to prevent that guy from talking to me. What do I fucking want from those people? I don’t like talking to anyone at parties about myself. What will they remember? Besides, I don’t drink and I don’t smoke indoors. I don’t even understand why people enjoy house parties. I don’t think I’d have gone there, if Pete hadn’t gone. He does enjoy socialising, but he doesn’t drink, either. Basically we both were the only ones who didn’t get into the same kind of mood as everyone. If you want to force me to drink, you can fuck right off. Fucking hell I wish I my body was able to bear the effect of alcohol. And I wish I loved the taste of alcohol, but I don’t, I don’t! If that bothers you, just tell me to go. As simple as. I don’t want to know how many people blamed the alcohol for certain things that happened that night. If you ever blame the alcohol for something like cheating or throwing up, you are a fucking wanker. How pathetic. Damn you…!

I am very picky with the people I choose generally. I like my friends and people neutral with strong personalities. People who don’t keep secrets from me, don’t mess with me and don’t lie to me. Honesty and openness…all that shit, you know. Nothing more that I need. I don’t put much value on reliability in friendship anymore, because I am not someone to count on, either. However, it doesn’t mean that I don’t try. The idea of friendship has become a big issue lately. I think there are times where I shouldn’t take it too seriously and simply sit back and wait. It’s not always my business what others are up to. But it becomes my business when I find out that my trust and belief in that person have been abused. And still you have to keep your mouth shut sometimes. The only reason why I’m keeping mine shut right now is because I can’t be fucking bothered.

To conclude: Do what the fuck you want. I refuse to run after anyone. I won’t run after anyone anymore. I’ve shown enough times that I care. And at the end of the day I’m always the one who gets the short end of the fucking stick. Deal with your problems on your own.

I find it important that people know what they want. Nevertheless there is something even more important: It’s not what you want that always counts, what counts more is actually what is GOOD for you. If you know what is GOOD for you, so much the better. I’m not in the mood for people who are blind on the inside.

I judge what I see, observe and experience. I judge when I myself feel affected. If I let you tell me your opinion, you fucking listen to mine!

People are making me tired.

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