First night sleeping with lights off

In the last 26 hours I’ve only had about 3 1/2 hours sleep. Let’s say I’ve been working. For no money. This is always the case with me. I choose something I enjoy doing, but there is no money available for me. I do so much copywriting for free. Many people who were in my shoes would complain. But I don’t really see the point in complaining about something that I enjoy doing.

Now talking about the Reeperbahn Festival – I didn’t enjoy it, because I didn’t feel much involved. I was never interested in the festival in first place, but I agreed to copywrite, because I wanted the experience. Besides I was part of the press. I got in everywhere without hassle. But however I didn’t get much involved, the entire team or crew was doing its thing without informing me entirely about the latest news. It was chaotic. I didn’t even have the feeling they gave a shit about me being there, either. I just filled in some gaps…that’s all I did. And whenever I talk, they don’t even seem to hear me. So in the end I just didn’t bother. I couldn’t enjoy the festival really, because none of the fucking bands interested me and I was only asked to interview one, which was Molotov Jive from Sweden. They did a boat gig and were in a hurry. So the interview only lasted 2m30sec or something like that. Ridiculous, but it made me feel like how I used to feel. That was my first interview since The Haunted this January. At least a little bit of fun and experience.
Another horrible thing were the McDonald Eat-for-free vouchers. It’s terrible when you can’t afford the food that you wanna eat. Or when you’re in such a hurry that you cannot be bothered to find the food that you are after. So why not get some shit to eat, since it’s for free? I think next time I’ll choose to starve. I’d have had so much more fun working as a copywriter at the Hurricane Festival. I’d have done my own thing then.

Who cares now.

When it’s cold and I’m stressed, my skin would start to itch, because it’s dry. Like today. I scratched so hard that I started to bleed. I’m such a wimp because my skin can’t even deal with the coldness in autumn. What if I was in Canada in the deep winter? I think I’d simply skin myself with my nails.

Tiredness is kicking in finally. Mustn’t sleep too long tonight. I need to get up in time to vote. Just to make it clear: I’m not voting for the sake of Germany. I’m not voting because to everyone it seems to be the right thing to do.
I vote because I’m given the chance to make my own decision about something. If I ever get a choice, I tend to grab it. I don’t support any of the parties. I agree and disagree with all of them. I’m not a Democrat, but I have democratic attitudes, because I love the idea of choice, but it doesn’t mean I’m on anyone’s side. I still haven’t made up my mind about my second choice, though.

On the way home I was observing the people on the train. There was this guy who looked like he has been through a lot of emotional conflicts tonight. Maybe his girlfriend had a go at him for being an arsehole. However he didn’t look like he meant to do any harm to anyone. Exhaustion and washed out anger could be spotted around his eyes and on his cheeks.

Then there were a lot of teenage girls (all blonde) traveling by train at about 3am. Looked like they had spent their weekend at the Reeperbahn Festival. They reminded me of The Virgin Suicides. They had this sympathising way of looking at one another. Sometimes I recognised envy and sometimes pretense. Who cares anyway? They seemed happy.

The men I looked at had this sharp and fierce glare, which freaked me out. When you see a man with reddened skin you know that he has been drinking too much. What a turn-off.

Tonight I noticed that people looking at me tended to stare below, rather than look me in the face. When I interviewed the singer from Molotov Jive, he was constantly keeping eye contact with me, but I couldn’t. My eyes wandered off, as if I wasn’t even interested in the things he was saying.

Well for the sake of my soul…leave me alone.

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