Addressed to YOU

I have an announcement to make. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to set myself free for a while from pressure, digital communication and other people’s business.

I don’t like how negative things have developed in my life and I hate the way I treat people that I love. I need more time with my head. Therefore, I want to stop talking to you for a while. I’d rather go away than pitying myself in front of you. I hate self-pity, I hate it sincerely. I’m very glad that most of you don’t know the “me” from eight, nine years ago. Lucky you, eh?

Do you think my blog entries contain self pity at all? No, they are observations, secretive revelations and prejudiced opinions – all honestly told. (At least the ones from 2007 onwards.) I don’t do self pity in public anymore.

I had a very long walk today. It has been a rather nice half-way sunny autumn day. I love yellow, brown leaves. I like watching them fall, because, to me, it signifies that a terrible chapter has just ended. So you live with the consequences throughout the winter, where you are going to think about what you have done. You’ll have your new chances in spring. It is a melancholic thought really, but it keeps my mind working.

I had to endure a lot of pressure yesterday at work. I didn’t dare to lose my temper at work, but by the time I got home, I lost it all. I tried not to speak to my mother, but she insisted on speaking to me, I couldn’t stand it. I don’t even want to think about the way I talked to her. Last thing she said was that the entire family is getting scared of me. Today she said nothing to me.

I constantly talk about isolation, which is an impossible thing, especially now that I have two jobs, which are keeping me deadly busy. Customers are arseholes, especially when they accuse you of stealing their money. Though, it’s even worse when you’ve noticed their bloody ferocious facial expression before the transaction has even started. It puts pressure on me, because I get scared of doing something wrong. And according to their opinion, I did something wrong. A customer was supposed to pay 38,89Euros. That stupid old bag handed one 20Euro note and three 10Euro notes to me. I looked at the money, counted it and typed in 50Euro, which was correct. I acted out of intuition, nothing else. BUT the money was more of less still in his hands and THAT WAS when I realised that he gave me a tenner too much. I thought it was just a misunderstanding, but do you know what he thought? That fucker thought I was trying to mess around with him, that I was going to keep that extra tenner for myself, even though it was still in his goddamn hands. I was indignant and denied his accusation, but he wouldn’t believe me. That ruined my day. It hurts me to know when people think that I am that bad. Luckily the day was almost over. But unfortunately before it was over, the situation escalated.
My colleagues tend to leave me alone at the till for hours. Even if it’s already time for me to finish, they will take their time to displace me. For instance, when I finish at 9pm, they’ll come to displace me at quarter past, which leaves me ten minutes to cash up, because my bus leaves at 9:29pm. Then I’ll be under pressure, because I don’t want to miss my bus. You gotta know that time puts a lot of pressure on me. I’m not easy going when it comes to time. It’s an inconsiderate bitch, because it doesn’t wait for you. It’s a curse to think like that.

Now you might say that I should do something about it, that I should say something, so that people don’t treat me like that. That’s the reason why people take me for granted, because I don’t say anything. If I keep doing that, I know I will lose my mind one day. But in situations like these…do you know what I really really think? I think that these people — simply are not worth talking to; they are not worth it. They have no meaning in my life. So why the hell should I talk to them about anything?

Well let me finish this one quickly, cos it’s pissing me off what I’m telling you. You remember my last “break” was sometime in April? I neither logged in on myspace nor facebook for over a week. This time it’s gonna be much longer than one week.

I want to finish reading “The catcher in the rye”. It can’t be true that it’s taking me two weeks to finish a bloody 200-page book! I can seriously slap myself in the face.

In the next few days, I will firstly respond to all your emails and I’d appreciate it, if you didn’t respond straight afterwards, as I will not read them. I have to be honest: I hate finding emails which were sent to me about 3-4 months ago. It’s when I start to wonder why it took me so fucking long to write back and I feel very very bad about it. (I’d be an arsehole if I blamed time. I don’t do excuses anymore.)
I get guilty conscience all the time, you know…, even though I shouldn’t. I used to have 15 pen friends. Yes, I wrote them hand-written letters. I responded to each single letter. And then, time after time, one by one, gave up on me. Pen friends worth keeping? I don’t think so.
Today I have to say that I appreciate my digital friends, especially those I’ve been in touch with for over five years. You know who you are. I’d like to thank you for making the effort.

I don’t feel like talking much, I don’t feel like updating you with my life right now and I don’t feel like bothering you with my problems. I don’t mean it in a bad way.
I wish I could avoid all people for a while, but how often have I fucking said that already? This is not going to happen.

I will keep my blogs up and I will tweet. (You think I’m a hypocrite, eh? Maybe. But you gotta know that in my blog I don’t talk to anyone, I talk to “my blog”.) These will be the only updates…probably till the end of the year or beginning of next year.

I’ll be fine for some texts, so feel lucky if you have my number 🙂

So long then,

p

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