A caller’s kindness

I’m such a terrible friend. Do you know when you become a terrible friend? That is when you suddenly see “friendship” as “business” and not something that comes from the heart. Now may I defend myself, please, before you judge me and before you think I don’t give a shit about you?

Thank you.

Well. I’m a lot under pressure these days. Not logging in to myspace and facebook is certainly not enough. There are also real life friends.  Friends that “call you up” and now we’re talking about one of my least favourite activities, which is “talking on the phone”. The moment my phone rings, I automatically start to roll my eyes. If I am busy (or at least think that I am busy), I don’t answer it. Some tend to leave a message, but if it is not that important, I don’t usually call back immediately. Now this is where it starts…If I don’t call back for about a week, I start to feel “guilty” and I HATE feeling guilty. And it’s not just guilt, but also pressure! You don’t understand it? Well you don’t have to. I am simply not somebody who likes talking regularly on the phone or even weekly. Some friends, however, expect me to call back. They take it personally if I don’t get back to them and this makes me feel terrible. I already find it tiring meeting up with a friend twice a week. I have changed a lot, you see. When I was 15, I used to meet up with friends several times a week and I liked it. (I made my first friends with 15, you remember. Those were different times.) Now, I’m slightly reversing; I’m becoming quiet again, I dislike conversations where I constantly disagree with the person and I just can’t be bothered  expressing my opinions. I just don’t have as many like-minded people around me anymore as I used to. They are all different, but interesting to know. Unfortunately this doesn’t make it any easier for me.
I am forcing myself to hang in there…to call people, before they start thinking that I don’t give a shit about them. It’s such a natural thing for them to call friends up, which I fully understand. My problem is that I lack of alone time. My alone time keeps delaying and it’s pissing me off. Today I thought I should make those phone calls, in order to have them done with, so those people don’t feel forgotten. I won’t ever forget them anyway, but you know…people always need assurance. It  almost feels like a complicated relationship. I tried making those calls, but none of the friends were available – now that pisses me right off.
I think I used to be a man in my past life (– a proper arsehole). This explains why I’m unable to do multi-tasking and to dress elegantly like a lady. I think I used to be a misogynist who broke many women’s hearts, which is why I have to pay for it in this life. Fair enough.

FYI I still haven’t finished reading “The catcher in the rye”, how disastrous!  When I get a free minute, I just want to relax. My mind isn’t functioning well this week. Now coming back to combining “friendship” with “business”: I am almost fully booked this week thanks to work, except on Friday. Friday is my only day off this week and I am NOT willing to give it away to anyone, not even to a friend who needs help with her work. Am I a terrible friend when I say I don’t care about that piece of a project? No I am not. Because I am being expected to travel, in order to help with the work. It’s like thinking “Paula can travel everywhere for anyone…!”
Yeah, sure, I travel everywhere for everyone! If I am asked to help, then the person can also make the effort to travel to MINE, instead of having me travel 45-50min for a piece of work. She says she also wants to see me, too, but that’s not good enough. Not nowadays. So here’s how it goes: I said I was gonna come up after work on Thursday evening. I’m ready to help on a work day. I’m not telling anyone that I am more or less free on Friday. It’s my fucking day. Can’t go party anyway, because I got work that Saturday after.

I’ve just noticed that I hardly ever ask for help. I tend to do everything myself, because I don’t want to hassle anyone. I don’t know who is still genuinely ready to help me these days. Ok, apparently friends are there to help, am I missing out something? Why do I always feel like using people when I ask them for help? – This is the reason why I don’t like asking for any kind of support. Stupid, I know. I don’t like being indebted. Is that reason enough? Or is it too complicated? Or do you think that I’ve never really had a close friend?

God, I’m such a loner. A pissed off loner.

To conclude: I value friendship, but I’m not someone who would let you come round just because you feel bored. If that makes me a terrible friend, then so be it. I don’t find friendship as easy as you do.

Another useless blog written.
Will try to avoid that before people leave my blog with a head shake. But certain explanations needed to be done. For me, not for you. Surely not for you.

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