Like the passion of a Scorpio

I am keeping fit well good, but that’s not a reason to pat myself on the back. I mean it took me about two years to realize what I’d been doing wrong. I should’ve listened to my body in the first place, but instead I was way too focused on the head and heart thing. After all those years I have found out that I’ve been doing nothing but exploring myself. And I can’t believe that I am not even through yet.  But did you know that Saturday children are doomed to put their shoulder to the wheel? My mum never told me that I was born on a Saturday, but she felt from the beginning that it was a bad omen. I guess it’s just me who thinks that this is fine. Everyone is supposed to work hard. What are we if we were only to sit there staring holes in the air? What if we didn’t have to make any effort to get what we want or need? I dream of walking on Saturn’s rings; walking in circles until I start to puke. I feel like losing myself, but not in a bad way. I want to lose myself in a passionate way. The urge for change is still there – starving. I cannot just feed it with work, sleep and fruits. I want someone to make me laugh and unfortunately there is nobody with my type of humour. I used to be very uptight regarding humour and couldn’t even laugh at the jokes in the series Scrubs. I didn’t get it at first and still I’m not the most humorous person on earth. Lately I realized that I behave differently in front of everyone. Close friend or not, I cannot act out the way I am anymore. Somehow everyone seems so selfish; they hear what they want to hear. Everything you say seems so superfluous. It’s like talking to ghosts. There are times where I am scared of losing my opinions, because sometimes I myself feel they are superfluous. At the end of the day I keep them for writing purposes.

The name Neil Gaiman has been following me for years and only now I’ve become aware of him. I should’ve paid more attention since E.T.A. Hoffman’s Sandman or Watchmen, Stardust, Coraline, etc. I also wished I had paid more attention to Nick Cave before; the same with Bela Lugosi or other things that had impressed me in the past, which I never held on to and quickly forgot about. I remember the loneliness I used to feel when I was a teenager and the loneliness never EVER got nursed. Never. Not in Germany, or even in England. Not in Denmark. Nowhere. There was wishful thinking and there was the pretense of happiness. I did feel wanted and needed, but that is not enough. That’s just being taken for granted, nothing else, is it? Am I the only one who understands Miss Havisham? …Even though she did a mistake.

I’ve been dreaming about water and fire. Good news is I can handle both. I don’t seem to run away. But that’s because my family was there and needed to be saved. The water was black and the fire was silver. So weird. There is just one thing I cannot handle and that’s my anger. I dreamt of a gay person who was permanently infuriating me. He was jerking next to me and then joked about rubbing his semen on me. I saw it as a threat and eventually lost my temper when he rubbed it on my leg. That was one of the most random and disgusting dreams ever; more revolting than the human kebab that dreamt about.

I have been good. Recently I hear my mother laugh. It makes me feel so warm inside you cannot even imagine. I’m unable to tell her how much I want to support her and dad, except that I can only show them. There are things regarding my parents that I don’t want to talk about, but those things basically persuaded me to pay rent. I am glad they have realized that I am trying hard.

I was saying that Saturday children need to work hard in life. All my life I’ve been working hard on myself (and I’m not even there yet). But the real thing is still to come. I want it all and I’m ready to rip my arse off.

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