sdrawkcab gniog retsaocrellor

Dear Diary, I’ve reached this point again. It’s similar to the one in April, if not worse. The moment I started my new job, I stepped into a downward spiral. Yes, despite of the relief that I’m finally earning enough money to pay my fucking health insurance and rent. Though, since the new job my social anxiety has increased vehemently. My German has gone badly or I am simply too panicky to talk in public. I can’t control myself. I act so calmly towards everyone while inside I am a shaken can of coke. Everything is so hard, so fucking hard and it hurts. This calmness that I am showing is not good; it’s destroying me, it’s making me ill, but I can’t do anything about it. I’ve already been wondering WHY the hell am I so calm? If I carry on like this, I know I will do something very bad in the near future. If I don’t hurt other people I will hurt myself, won’t I? As simple as that I guess. I can’t express myself. I feel extremely scrutinized in the public world. I’ve become more irrational than I ever was. Sometimes I don’t even get why I do what I do. All I know is that I hate what I do. And I hate everyone around me, especially those who want something. How much more do I have to give? Give me something BACK for fuck’s sakes!  How often to they even think about me? This is the reason why I don’t care anymore; even if they disappeared forever. Would you resent me for that? (This does not refer to my mum, dad and sister.) I have a lump in my throat again and wish I was able to throw up on everyone’s shoes. It’s a terrible moment when realizing that those whom you trusted are not trustworthy at all, because by the looks of it, they never even trusted you in first place.
I had to catch up with some sleep last night and actually managed to sleep 11 hours. That did me well, but the worst was waking up with a delirious head and this numbness around my heart. I didn’t want to go to work today. Yesterday I had to do my first cashing up and it was the first morning that I had to open the shop on my own. I was literally sitting there for OVER an hour counting the money in the safe. And no I cannot count. Trust me, I cannot. I never was able to count. At the end of the day there were 100Euro missing in the safe. How I feel? How would you feel if your boss thinks that you might have stolen the money? She didn’t say anything and acted out the same old way, but I knew that she thinks that it is a possibility that I stole the money, because I am weird and difficult to access. That’s what almost everybody thinks about me whom I’m not close to, so it’s no surprise. Right now I hate that job, because it’s forcing me to suppress myself and everything that I feel inside. I never came across as determined and confident and it’s even worse now. Everybody knows that I don’t look into the person’s eyes when I talk to them, unless I trust them. I’d rather speak to the wall or to a pair of shoes. All those bloody people… What the fuck do they all want from me and why do they make me feel so disagreeable inside? No one has made me laugh recently and I’ve lost trust and faith in certain people. I don’t care either, as they don’t seem to care that much. I’m tired of being good to them. Why do I tell them so much anyways? Recently I noticed that I even lie to them. Am I becoming a liar? A Holden Caulfield-like liar, yes.
God I feel so numb. I don’t want to know how often I’ve written the word “feel” in this blog entry. But I can’t help it. I smoked 3 cigarettes in a row yesterday, it was supposed to be just two, but the day wouldn’t go away. And I know I did I say I want to quit by the end of the year. Good luck to me then.
Autumn seems to be over. What a shame really. I haven’t even sucked up its beauty entirely, yet. Everyday I realize that certain people I consider as close don’t actually know a single thing about me. They think I am the way I act. They never even tried to see what’s underneath. Does this mean they lack of interest? Some people are clever and would say this crappy saying to me: “Still waters run deep.”  They know there’s something about me, but they wouldn’t ask.
This spite is making me fatigued. Ever since I started that job my mind has gone delirious. I hate what it’s doing to me, but I particularly hate what I am doing to myself, uncontrollably. I’m doing my immune system no good and the fruits won’t help forever, I know it.
That was a nice cry just now. I feel better. But I’m over exhausted and my head has started to hurt. I hate the way my hair looks and the way I’ve been treated by people. It will go on like this if I don’t get out of their way. I need a teacher. This year was like a rollercoaster going backwards. Ten million miles backwards. At least I weigh 110lbs now, but unfortunately it doesn’t make me any happier.

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