Terrible. Disgraceful. Degrading

It was exactly a year and two weeks ago when I last had sex. Rather depressing when thinking about it. I can’t even remember it that well, except that it was unemotional. And I remember a lot of red. Yes. Blood.  I used to be so ashamed of talking about this and it was the only thing that I tended to tell girls about and only two guys. My gynecologist said that there was nothing much he could do about, except to ice up the neck of my womb.  Ha, imagine me bearing a child. I think I would bleed to death, wouldn’t I? God, I am so NOT ashamed of talking about anything anymore. So what if people know everything about me? There are endless things that you certainly do NOT know about. I can go on forever. Anyway, just don’t ever talk about those things with me in person; except I start talking about them. Then it means I trust you fully. Sometimes. To be kissed by the kiss of death? I don’t think so, Johnny. Honesty indeed is the most offensive thing in the world, but there are endless secrets to be revealed. I hate secrets. If I could, I would reveal every single thing, unleash all secrets of the world, especially yours. So many friends are keeping shit behind my back; so much shit that I can’t be bothered anymore.

I also signed up on some online community to get singles to email me. I was curious, I wanted to see what it’d be like. You could say you’re looking for a relationship, affair, one night stand etc.  I ticked the last two and would get over fifty mails a week. Why did I do that? – Because I SUCK at looking for what I want; it’s easier for me to be found. The men who wrote to me were all twats. Some even sent me pictures of their dicks or pictures of them having sex. So that was gross. And they would say things like “Never fucked an Asian before.” Now how stupid is that? However, there were also nice ones who wanted to get to know me and asked stuff like “What are you currently reading?” or “Who’s you’re favourite writer?” I posted half naked pictures, which was the reason why I received responses from people. But at the end of the day I didn’t answer ANYONE. It just didn’t click. They were fucking Germans. What do I want from a German? After a few months I canceled my account on that page. Still masturbation’s no fun; it’s exhausting and I fall asleep during it, because I have no strength these days. The majority of my energy is used for work (aka stress) and sports. I think in the last thirty minutes I’ve yawned over fifty times, because I’m finding it hard to breathe properly. This is a sign of a panic attack, which I used to get very often when I was back in England. It’s happening again, because I’m dealing with more stress than usual. And this all thanks to “people”. People are no good. There is also this lump in my throat and pressure in my ears, due to suppressed anger. Someone fuck my ears, please.

Oh God, will people please just QUIT talking about ENGLAND! I don’t want to hear a FUCKING word about it anymore. Do NOT ask me!

I haven’t had a decent conversation since Dan and that was bloody nine months ago. And that was a conversation in the best language of all. German is making me fucking sick. Some German friends offered to speak English with me – no way. I only speak English with Brits or Americans. I don’t know why, but when I speak English with non-English natives, my English goes very bad. That’s probably because I unconsciously adapt myself to them. Terrible. Disgraceful. Degrading.

No day off this week, which is why I need to cancel whomever wanted to meet up with me tomorrow. This Sunday is mine. Don’t even dare to call. I want to see how Bunny Munro dies.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *