Talking to…whom?

I hate secrets; I hate it how they make people being so dishonest with me. There are a myriad of self pity around and I don’t know what the hell it is all about. And if I say “Talk to me”, they would bite their lower lip indicating “I don’t know if I can trust you.” Then do me a favour and get the fuck out of my face. It’s alright when people consider certain things as private. If you cannot talk about it with me honestly, then watch my hand wave. I think it is definitely a gender issue. SUCH an issue… and a waste of time. I’m starting to get annoyed about the fact that women consider me as a traitor. What the fuck did I do?! Sorry for being honest! I am more honest to you than you can ever be to yourself! I feel so claustrophobic in your narrow minds and you’re too fucking chicken to open up your heart, too chicken to admit your emotions to everyone. If you lie to yourself, I don’t care; just do NOT dare to lie to me!

Funny I’m not talking to anyone. I made this up in my head. Or I guess I was talking to a fictional female whose character I do not approve of; some ludicrous shit that only Jane Austen would come up with.

God there are so many things that I seem to be admitting and I don’t get anything back from anyone. Even if you listen carefully and say consoling words…you won’t ever share your feelings with me and I will always hate you for this, you hear. Then you wonder why I think it’s such a waste of time being with you.

No I’m not talking to anyone, dammit!

First I’m being stalked online and now I’m being stalked at work. What’s next? That arsehole has no idea that my forgiveness would save his soul, but he doesn’t care. Let’s assume I forgive him, he wouldn’t care, because he would only care about getting me back, by all means. He wouldn’t even care if I am happy already or not, because HE would want to be the only one to make me happy. This won’t ever happen. Have you ever encountered a person more selfish than that? If he has changed so much, then why doesn’t he make another girl happy? This would be a way for him to atone for what he did! But as if I care! If you have been selfish all your life, you will always be selfish. Nothing but your own needs and happiness count – this is the definition of selfishness. If you have changed, then you are not supposed to prove yourself to anyone, but yourself. You would start a new life and forget about the past. But there are people whose hearts are just way too dirty.

Talking about the past…there was this elder couple who came into my work asking for a catalogue. I remembered them on the spot. Those were Kathrin’s parents. Kathrin was my first friend at primary school. I hate my past and I also hate talking about it, but the past is a part of me, so therefore I want to be honest with you (since you’re too chicken for that…). So Kathrin tried to make friends with me. I also wanted to make friends with her, but I didn’t know how, because I did not talk in school. So do you have to talk to be friends with each other? Anyway, Kathrin had tried twice or thrice and gave up eventually. When she was close to ignoring me, my primary teacher had attempted to encourage her to carry on. Also Kathrin’s parents had tried. They used to invite me over sometimes to do paintings or to have dinner. At the end of the day, it was useless. I just wouldn’t speak to them or Kathrin. I knew that Kathrin was fed up with me at some point and it made me feel that she never liked me in first place.
So after all these years I suddenly saw her parents again. They entered the shop three times within two weeks and I realized that they are regular customers. Well, so the first time, they asked for a catalogue. I knew they recognized me, but they didn’t say anything. The crippled mother had thrown a quick glance at my name tag and she knew it was me. The second time we bumped into each other, was when I was with my mother. I ignored them and pretended I didn’t know them. Then my mother realized that they looked familiar and they greeted each other briefly. The third time I met them was in the shop again. And I told myself to be nice just this one time and said “Hello.” That fucking old bitch said hello without even looking at me and her husband said nothing.
Is it so hard to understand that I don’t want to talk to people from the past?! People who remind you of how you used to be?! Besides, these people won’t ever forget you. And trust me; this is not a good thing. It certainly is no blessing, but a curse. I hate this place. It’s so full of the past. And there’s just no way to escape. Not yet.

All those girls gave up on me. We just never became friends. I don’t know what they wanted. I even tried to brag with those boy band posters on my wall and it didn’t work. They got off my way. I never ostracized them; they just gave up too soon. I couldn’t help being who I was.

Do you get me? The way I talk to you is the way you won’t ever talk to me. And I hate you for this. I will forever hate you for this.

No, I am not addressing any particular person…for the 10000th time, I am not addressing to you, but I hate you for being like this.

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