The day I sent out the application form I felt nervous. In the very last second I decided to send it by registered post in order to make sure that it WILL reach the employer’s hands. It is what I want, but I am not sure if it is for the better. There are things that I do which make me think that I am selfish. I have no problem admitting it. I have never been fully altruistic anyway. It does not make you feel any better to help others when knowing that you cannot help yourself. It depresses you actually. They seem so grateful for what you have done, they think you have a big heart, but deep inside you hardly care and it makes you sad that they actually have no idea about you. And you would not make the effort to explain it to them. I just help because if you see a person lying in dirt, you will feel inhuman if you simply walked past. But what is human anyway in this planet? I hate elderly people, but I still hold the door open for them. I forgive an elderly conservative who comes up to me at work and asks me firstly “Do you speak well German?” That is because I know he is too old to change; to change his point of view. Another elderly, but still very down to earth (I could tell by the earnestness in his eyes), had ordered “MEIN KAMPF” from our online catalogue and bought it in our store. My hands froze when I touched that book. It took me back to the windless area of Auschwitz where there were no birds and the two Japanese tourists who took pictures whilst standing next to the ovens, smiling.  To tell you the truth, this is not necessarily macabre or disrespectful or inhuman or whatever you will say. This is simply a reflection of us. Whatever disgusts us, this is who we are, because we making it happen. Many of us are just too weak and naïve to actually perceive it, even I. Bret Easton Ellis cheered about J. D. Salinger’s death. Truth is: would Salinger even care about that? No, he wouldn’t. I have no sense for sympathy anymore either, but I still play along, because everyone I love expects it from me. My broken heart, my relentless emotions and deceiving head games just don’t matter, but I am forced to play along. So I set goals (there are four right now) in order to give my life a purpose. It is nature’s gift and I appreciate it. Those goals will keep me busy for the next 15 years or so. Apathy is a significant tool if you know how to use it. On my last birthday I had realized something: your biggest fears as a teenager are coming true and it’s starting right now. This is the reason why you hate children and teenagers; simply because you are envious. And you hate the elderly because they are who they are – dim-witted. The kids are bored again and you are just too tired to support them this time around. You say young foreigners are attacking people and your town? All you can do is blame families and schools. How about blaming all people for heating up the world, as heat takes over the core of our bodies, which ultimately means that we are uncontrollably angry just like the world itself? We are angry because nothing is changing for the better. So, conservatives are scared of changes, because they fear that the changes will lead us toward our downfall completely, so they lie to each other in order to keep the balance. I love Rorschach not because he is extreme right wing, but because he is honest; more honest than me, John Lydon and Alceste. And he even accepts the fact that people turn their backs on him because of his honesty. But I am scared of it. Be happy with what you see on the surface, whereas I will always look beneath your surface, if you like it or not. We don’t need to talk about it, you know.

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