The Phoenix Had The Last Word

I am very glad that I went on that holiday. I’d have preferred staying in the hotel most of the time, if it hadn’t been the cleaning lady. I never knew when she started to work and I’d rather be out of the room before hearing someone knock. The beach was beautiful when I went on Tuesday. Luckily the weather had been pretty nice, except for that horrible cold wind that had nearly got me a bladder infection. I did feel a slight pain on the same day, but thank God I felt alright the day after. At least it had been mild enough to walk on the beach. I’d suggest you to travel to the beach early in the morning, when nobody is around. The giant fog that morning had swallowed everything up, even the sea. The sea was green and still as tired as me. I was being chased by a couple; when saying “couple”, I mean ducks. They were clingy as fuck; begging for food. I wish I had had some. It impressed me how male and female ducks stick together like elderly human couples. Then I had a very peculiar and strange encounter with a bumble bee on the beach.  More to it here, here2 and here3. I have nothing more to say to that, I do not.

The next day I went to the beach again. It was cloudy and fucking hell it was cold and WINDY. I hadn’t brought that many clothes with me to that trip in first place. What really annoyed me was that no café was open for me to warm up in. There was absolutely nothing around except hotels and pubs filled with conservative middle aged people staring at my tights as if I was whorish. However, it’s good going to the beach early, as Lübecker kids would start hanging around on the beach during lunch time. Nowadays teenagers hang around on the playground, but why on the playground if you have a fantastic beach in Lübeck?

I had spent hours picking up beautiful stones; the flat and the shiny ones always impress me, also found little empty sea shells that hadn’t fallen apart after being washed to the shore.

I myself cannot believe that I actually did start a video blog on my trip. I should have just yelled how much you all sucked or something and that’d be it, haha! Ah! I know I talk like an emotionless android.  I get uncontrollably nervous when being put in front of the camera. Can’t stop moving, can’t stop staring holes in the air and I can’t apply the appropriate tone of voice when it’s needed just BECAUSE of that nervousness. However, all you get to see is the “calm” side of me and that’s boring. Well, regarding the video blogs – the less you hear the better. I’m too ashamed to even watch them again myself. That face that you see is not the face that I personally see (I guess everyone would say that if they see themselves in videos, except that I have a thousand faces…physically not metaphorically). I actually forgot to say that I didn’t want comments. That video is not about ME! It’s about how I intended to approach YOU. I’ve been searching for possibilities and opportunities to talk to you and to make YOU talk to me. Simply judging me, criticizing me won’t get us any further.  What matters is what’s beneath YOUR surface, and then we can get down to conversation. Usually I want to talk with people about something they don’t want to talk about. Whenever I bring it up, they’d change topic or just keep quiet. It’s alright if you shut me out once or twice, because you don’t feel like talking, but I won’t accept a third turn down; especially not if this friendship has lasted for over eight years. If you decide to go in the end, do it. I might start running after you once or twice, because you’ve been too selfish or coward to tell me it’s over, but this will not happen a third time.


So instead of a 4000 word blog, you get the video blogs this year. Someone suggested I should do something like that weekly or monthly. – Uhm, no. Personal things are not something that appears from out of nowhere. You know perfectly well that emotions and thoughts develop time after time. Perception takes a while. I’m not a columnist or an entertainer, that’s something very different. Now you know Schopenhauer and I have a love-hate-thing going. In the last video blog I said I was grateful, which results that I DO care about things and people. Did you really believe a word in the rubbish that I had said previously? Oh…it doesn’t matter. You always believe what you want anyway. I totally forgot. It’d make no sense to me if you say that you can understand, I wouldn’t even care, unless you tell me the (w)hole story about you – then we shall see, shan’t we? Parents are usually the people who understand you the least of all and this either makes you the perfect kid or the total egoist. My mum thinks the second one fits best. I love her most anyhow, no matter what she says or does to me. And I will always hate myself for the way I am to her and that’s only because we don’t get along. She always says that she’s an aggressive monster herself and in the end she has created an even more aggressive one. Both of us know that we won’t ever be best friends, but this doesn’t mean anything bad.

I still haven’t drunk that bottle of Desperados. Yesterday I had to go to the chemist’s to buy medical tea to prevent a bladder/kidney infection. I can’t be bothered going to the doctor’s again. I’m sick of handing in my urine; I cannot piss into that tube without wetting my hand! I go all directions, not just one. Ahem.

Reading in the bathroom whilst my back is pressed against the radiator/dryer is wonderful. I liked my bathroom in Lübeck – comfy, equipped with beautiful halogene bulbs and a clean sink. Almost through with Stephen King’s autobiographical book “On writing”. It has opened my eyes. There is finally someone who is sincere enough to kick my butt and tell me to do something if I want to be a good writer. He’s not as stuck up as I thought he was. A man is a man when he is open enough to admit his mistakes, addictions and weaknesses. Courage is if he asks for help. This is how I like my men. I’m not going to go through someone else’s ego trip again. However, you are free to join my ride, but I will not pay for your ticket.

When I woke up in the hotel this morning, I was covered in HOT sweat. I guess it’s a good sign. I still felt sad, partly because in a few hours time I’d be leaving Lübeck and other than that I dreamt of an uncanny encounter with River Phoenix. We met in an American café (80s style). That dream was almost surreal, because it was definitely his voice speaking. I had never, in ANY dream, heard someone’s voice as clearly and loudly as his. He spoke through my soul, man! Unfortunately I cannot remember what he had said; all I know is that it wasn’t something pleasant, as I ended up walking out of the café sadly without looking back.

This is not much of a happy end, but my new start. Like last year after those 4000 words, I had settled with a new start. Epiphany’s been achieved. The new chapter may begin. Here.

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