The inner Tourette Syndrome

Today was a mess. All those grey clouds just knew this beforehand. So tired of being generous and pretending that I like you (shut my mouth).  If I am to decide whether to meet up and catch up with you or to stay in my room to read a book – I’d go for the book obviously (step on my face). I have nothing to talk about, nothing to update you with, not to mention having the ear to hear about your reruns. It’s all the same and I’m starting to believe that the circle is somewhat shrinking that I get to hear and see the same things repeating themselves more often than usual now (ears bleed). My mistake is that I’ve been playing along and I guess I will continue this till it’s time for me to look the other way. You won’t notice a difference. So many virgins that are scared and once they’ve overcome their fear, you are non-existent to them. The next time they think about you is three years later. By then you won’t even remember their names (piss against my ear).

Some bastard stage dived and nearly broke my nose, but instead he broke something else – my favourite necklace which I’ve been wearing for over three years without ever taking it off. In the end I managed to find the pendant, which is the most important. What would I do without my most precious question mark (fill my mouth will glass)? There will be one day where I won’t be a member of the crowd; an inconsiderate sweaty crowd. It won’t be us against them, but it’ll be you against me. I’m looking forward to that. It doesn’t matter whose side you are on, we are all on the same boat, we all have the same intentions, but sometimes one just wants to stand alone and delve into one’s own ideology without wanting any sort of peers. Say what you want, maybe I really don’t know how to have fun (fuck me hard).

Why, why does he tell me that he has a girlfriend now? What has this to do with anything that we are talking about? Are you trying to tell me that I messed up my chances with you? What does it matter now (burn my love)? I should have just been a nice daughter and gone with my ma to pick up the new car today. She wanted me to come with her and I refused to, as I pretended to be busy. Truth was I couldn’t get things sorted. I couldn’t get my head sorted (fistfuck). I had to get ready for the gig. This urge of wanting to get things done, the inner discomposure and longing for tranquility are expressing their impatience, complaining about everything I do and don’t do.

Can I afford another hotel room in June? I want to go to Ingolstadt. I have to promise myself that I will not ask for internet. Never internet again on holiday and phone will be constantly off; it usually is anyway. Do I look like I can be bothered (kicking shins)?

I’m currently in love with Joe Hisaishi’s music, particularly the ones he did for the Ghibli movies; the songs seem to open each single knot whenever I play them and they encourage me without giving me reasons why I should hold on at all (hold me now).

There is a feeling that I hate to the core – I simply hate it. It’s when you feel butterflies in your tummy and you know it’s no good – not for you or the person you’ve have allured those butterflies for. Therefore I know how my friend feels when having an affair with a married person who’s too coward to divorce the spouse whom they love no more. You constantly tell the friend what’s best to do and you keep repeating yourself until you realize they aren’t listening. The best you can do for them is let them fall on their face (see if I care). I am tired of watching clichés, playing Domino and complaining at you. Why do you think I cannot be bothered emailing you? I have nothing to tell you right now. Besides I’m bored from watching you alienate yourself from your own (get a grip).

The only friend who seems to have her future sorted and cautiously planned is A. She has now invited me to her wedding, which is one of my biggest fears. I didn’t even go to my cousin’s due to this ridiculous fear. I can already say that I cannot take the atmosphere and being in the middle of a crowd that I do not know and spend over ten hours with them. She won’t have time for me, as everyone would be around her (fuck what am I doin’). Selfish, but true. I agreed to come, knowing that I will be spending (wasting) time in a hall filled with a sort of gaiety that I cannot comprehend. Selfish, but true.

The security man at my work place told me that he had done a 3 year apprenticeship as a plumber, and then realized that he didn’t like it, now he has started a new apprenticeship as a security guard and suddenly, after one year, doesn’t like it, either. “I don’t know what I want” he said with lucid honesty. I liked that, but nonetheless it was a turn off (yer boner gone soft). Lastly he said he might go into retail. I’m sure he was kidding; kidding with himself no doubt. There are way too many of those types around nowadays. And those who do know what they want are usually extremely blinded. I can’t stand watching people take root in this place. This new decade is driving me crazy already (to die to sleep).
(Without a word.)

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