Charisma and apple pie

I’m so close to tell everyone. It would just take a couple of seconds and I would just stand here on my own, regretting those words, although I meant them, except for little particles in my body which DID not mean them. The guilt, the apathy and the irresponsibility are the result of wanting everyone content; everyone but me. I don’t want to say what I will regret, because I know they are all (well most of them) are good people and they only mean to be nice and caring. This is what confuses me so much, because I’m beginning to lose track of my own self and my actions. Regarding to some people, I just can’t wait till they leave to start a new life. They have become so unbearably repetitive and blind that I simply cannot deal with them anymore. Whenever I try to help and speak some sense, they wouldn’t listen. I may not listen to you sometimes, but I do take it personally if you don’t listen to ME, as I speak so little. That’s basically the only reason why people listen to me; it has always been like that. To certain people it’s a miracle to hear me speak over five hundred words in a row. This just doesn’t happen often. I might have already mentioned, but I’ve written more than I’ve ever spoken. To be honest with you, there’s nothing more beautiful than someone charismatic who gets me to talk for hours. We understand each other and get on with each other. Unfortunately this is frequently a one off thing; something like holiday love. Once you’re back to normal, the holiday love becomes so unreal and illusionary, especially if you keep in touch and watch how things fade to grey.
Cigarettes taste so terrible in the summer. And I did have a cigarette on the day where my kidney started to ache for the first time. It was yesterday morning to be exact. Before commencing my ten hour shift, I had a smoke. And in those ten hours I had probably only drunk 1 litre of water. As soon as I came home, I stepped on my treadmill with the intention of running for an hour. That was when the pain first occurred and I noticed that I was dehydrating. Funny some thought it might be a slipped disk. I might as well quit those occasional smokes. I will neither smoke during summer nor during day time anymore.
I feel like an old lady. I wake up 3-4 times during night and early morning to pee. But that’s because every time I wake up I feel dry and thirsty, so I drink a glass of water before I lie back down. It’s terrible, I can’t stand it anymore.
Tartan patterns, I see glowing tartan patterns in the middle of the night when dreaming about nothing. It feels like a spider building a beautiful web in my room, in order to trap me. As soon as I jump out of bed to switch the light on, all disappears. Have I been in the dark for so long? Am I much of an easy prey? Dear spider, I don’t value beauty that much. You need to allure me with charisma and apple pie.

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