Mother Earth is murderous

I am not angry. Why being angry with someone who is only protecting one’s mother? It is very bad not being able to reflect your own views in arguments; views that are supposed to open the person’s eyes who you are arguing with. I think I just haven’t understood that people never change. If they know nothing but their own attitude and values, they won’t ever appreciate what you say to them. They will never realize that they have a choice in life; it’s alien to them, because they never have had choices in the past. I just don’t know who I still get on with anymore these days. I came back, transformed, to spend time with my family and didn’t realize that I had actually taken some steps backwards. But I’m still in the same place. Everything is the same, except for the people who have all transformed. They have all moved on and I am the only one who has decided to go backwards. Disillusioned and confused when one friend after the other walks out of my life, because they found out that their life is no one-way street. I am happy for them and am waiting until each of them has left completely without looking back. Despite of being happy for them, there is a selfish view behind all this. The problem is I don’t know how to communicate with them anymore. They have a shield which I call carelessness and I am unable to break through. And why is that? – We have been apart for too long. There is just no way to find the way back to one and another. If the connection is gone, it’s gone. I can’t believe that I’ve secretly been grieving over the loss of these people. At the end of the day it’s me who had left in the first place.

I’ve never been good at talking and I never will be. I proved it to myself yesterday. It doesn’t matter whether in Chinese, German or English. I hate talking.

Nothing I said in those videos is still valid. I wish I could take back everything I said. The truth is I was bored and I wanted to provoke you a little, but ultimately I am not capable of giving you the attention you really need. I used to complain about people never coming to me with their problems and now I know why. Everyone has noticed this shield before I ever did. I remember building it with spite and bad blood, and then I totally forgot. I created this self division without noticing that I’ve been feeding this shield with pretense and self denial.

Mother Earth is murderous.  She never had a shield before.

How can I be a good writer if I can’t even empathize with my characters anymore?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *