GREENTONE

It feels like last week consisted of 8 days. Damn, that’s a Beatles song or at least close to being a Beatles song. Even though I’m uncontrollably tired right now, I need to put this down and have it done with. The week’s been terrible and it includes today as well (that’s what I meant with 8 days). All this reminds me of a never-ending routine, a reoccurring nightmare, which are feeding the demon of wrath and releasing the brake I thought I had control over. But I seem to be tearing up each string in my body whenever I try to grab hold of what’s left of my patience.
I don’t really want to go into detail in regard to my work life. There is nothing new, there’s nothing but routine. Of course it’s one of the main issues that are driving me mad, but it’s also people. A day off is a day I spend alone, concentrating on my things. A day meeting up with a friend is like going to work, but you are more relaxed. Now tell me what kind of an arsehole would say things like that? That’s just me, I guess.
I went to my friend’s wedding last Saturday. I didn’t intend to go, but she’s one of those friends I didn’t want to lie to. We met up weeks before her wedding, so that I could explain my difficulties to her. I have a wedding phobia, even though I’d never been to one in my entire life. I already knew that I wouldn’t like the atmosphere, the people, the music, the songs they sing in the church, etc. Later I realized that it wasn’t the church I was dreading (actually I like old churches, except they make me feel itchy sometimes), but the party afterwards. We arrived at a hotel and I knew nobody. I’m no good at making first approaches to people and of course my friend was busy socializing with her side of the family. However, she noticed me standing there on my own. Standing alone in the crowd is the most terrible thing ever and it had brought up bad, bad memories from over 15 years ago when I was still in school. So firstly I was standing there on my own, pretending I was observing the ducks in the lake. After noticing, she had sent some of her friends towards me, which was a good thing, because otherwise I would’ve been standing and sitting on my own for over 6 hours. Something like that happened to me before, numerous times, which is why I don’t go to parties, wedding parties, birthday parties, etc. And people just don’t fucking understand. I don’t drink! (But I would smoke pot.) At least she knows me and she knew that I wouldn’t have made the first step to approach people and I’m glad that she’d noticed me at all at her wedding. I still wish I had lied to her and said I didn’t have time. I had been dreading the wedding for months and nonetheless I agreed and went. This is the first wedding and the last of a friend’s wedding. I only went, because I never been and because I wanted to make the effort to overcome myself just that one time. Her argument was “How would you know what weddings are like, if you have never been to one?” That was when I gave in. (She always wins in arguments.) Maybe I do regret for having gone, but I don’t regret having seen her happy face, her tears when her husband made his speech about how much he loved her. But for some selfish reasons I could’ve done without all that. It didn’t interest me and by being present at the wedding and the after show party, I felt miles away. I couldn’t share that happiness, because it appeared so foreign. I hadn’t had one single conversation with my friend on that day; I just didn’t dare approaching her like a cockroach on her big day. We only smiled at each other, complimented on each other’s dresses and talked about how nice the food was.
I know why I didn’t (want to) catch the bridal flowers. That was because I was with no partner. The woman who caught them had to get  on stage and dance with her partner alongside with bride and groom. How fucking ludicrous and embarrassing is that? Well, it didn’t look embarrassing when they did. I never knew what had happened to the connection between her and me; she’s still the same person but yet so distant because she’s so many steps ahead of me and I won’t ever allow myself to be where she is now. Why is not important.
All I admit is my selfish point of view, the dread of being in the midst of people that I don’t know, having to overcome my social anxiety disorder, and force myself towards small talk, and then ending up hating myself for it, because I feel like wasting time.
When I was leaving her party she hugged me goodbye and said “Looks like you have overcome your wedding phobia!”
I didn’t know what to say upon that, I didn’t want to elaborate by saying “It’s not a wedding phobia, but something else.” I didn’t want to talk about me, since I had been talking about the green evening dress that I was wearing just to annoy her. (She hates green.) It wasn’t about me and I simply just wanted to go home.

I didn’t sleep very well that night. I can’t remember why. It has been two days now. I just don’t remember ok. Sunday was bad, because I had two telephone calls to make. And if there’s one thing I hate most it’s talking on the phone; I can’t stress that enough. Each call is like a big task. The talks are so down to earth and repetitive, I can’t stand it anymore.
A friend of mine wrote in an email the other day saying “You speak so much sense, Paula!”
That is not true, I speak nothing at all. I write. So if you’d like to put it this way: I write much sense or at least I try.
I must be such an arsehole when placing friends to the work area. I’m meeting a friend this week on a day off, but it’s not a day off anymore to me. A day off is going to the library, locking myself up in my room and simply be alone, writing and reading about all my selfish self. If I told you, I’m doing this for somebody; you wouldn’t believe me anyway, so I won’t even bother to explain.

All I know is that I can’t take it anymore. I can’t control this impatience, anger and bitterness anymore. When trying to make people happy, I either don’t get anything in return or I realize I don’t want what they have to give, because it’s already familiar and therefore no use to me. How often has it occurred to me that I heartlessly give it all away again once received? It’s not easy to say things like “I don’t want you”, “I don’t want your kindness”, and “you can’t give me what interests me”.  Now you might say I am unable to appreciate gifts. You have no idea that one of my greatest traits is sensing gratitude, I might even be more grateful than you, you’ll never know.  I appreciate reliability, but nowadays people don’t appreciate it, but exploit it and that’s something I would never do, no matter how self-centered I can be. I can be cold-hearted but I would never use people for my own advantage, which, I guess, is why I never ask for help.

And there will be friends who will walk away angrily and some will smile at me understandingly, but I won’t care to explain.

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