Heteronomy

PiL were supposed to play in Hamburg today. Now I am playing sadly with Johnny’s shark and wonder whether he would have liked it at all. It’s an angry shark showing teeth – it’s a baby ludovician about to eat my memory. Go ahead. If memories go, the same feelings remain; you just cannot comprehend. It’s similar to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I am taking the shark with me when I go.

I am being tackled by the topic heteronomy. This term has the teeth of a shark. If it wasn’t a friend mentioning it to me just now, I wouldn’t even notice my problem. I tend to do things in favour of other people, no matter whether I care about them or not. But anyhow, I’d like to draw attention to the people that I do not care about, who have been out of my life for too long and suddenly reoccur in my presence and ask to meet up. I’m already giving up on those who used to mean something, those who have suddenly turned their back on me without explanation and those who after a one night stand or a simple kiss have eliminated me from their lives. Why was I hanging on to friendship even though it was obvious that nothing would ever be the same again? I hate friendship as a topic and I hate people telling me what a friend is. It reminds me of Sheldon Cooper trying to search for an appropriate answer in a children’s book for “What is a friend and how do I make friends?” Am I so detached now that I have lost the connection to human closeness? Or am I just picky as hell when it comes to friends that I don’t know how to get rid of the ones who are extremely, unbelievably persistent and unconsciously use heteronomy to make me feel guilty in my fucking head? Or am I a loner, a misanthrope or simply Paula in self denial?

Fuck, you piss me off. I hate the way you make me feel. I love you for being so kind for wanting to catch up with me – the fact of you being happy to see me again and I am happy to see you, but I don’t want anything more than just a hello. Right now, a simple hello suffices. I can’t take anything more than a simple hello. I just don’t care about you but I am a coward when it comes to saying it to your smiley face, because….because you are a good person.

I guess in the end I always choose to struggle and I seem to love dilemmas that serve smiley faces as dessert, which ultimately cause guilty fucking conscience. I am selfish in my own crazy way and I wish everyone could see that, instead of this filtered friendliness that I seem to be scattering on these umm… people. I hardly know friendliness, but the heteronomy that you unconsciously apply on me is giving me fucking rashes and I keep scratching so hard until I bleed!

What’s happening anyway? I just got a blackout when choosing my current favourite Depeche Mode song. Ah right, “friends” or “non-friends” I was talking about. There’s no need to wonder whether you’re swimming with the duck or with the shark … because I could feed you all to the shark if I wanted – in my book anyway. I guess now I understand why people hesitate to trust me. You can trust me! No matter if we’re friends or not. Just so you know the shark’s after me, not you. So trust me, idiot.

I don’t even think my sister trusts me. It makes me feel unworthy of knowing anything. Right now there are about three people who fully trust me and tell me things in detail and all of them are pen friends. There is something about writing, eh? For all the bad talkers.

I’ve been feeling so wrong in the last three or eight years. And even with most of the things being fucked up wrong now, I feel confident in saying NO. NO, I don’t want. NO, I ain’t got time. NO I can’t be bothered.

And YES, keep your secrets and privacy to yourself, you boring little fuck. I won’t ever ask again.
As if I was ever going to mindfuck you with heteronomy.

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