Tunnel vision + Part II

September 14th 2010

It’s hard to enable my head to think of any further solutions, conclusions and suggestions. Whenever I look straight at someone they seem to shrink into a tunnel vision, as if I am in the middle of a panic attack. Dyspnea, nausea and sore muscles – thinking about everybody although I’d rather have each single one gone. Sometimes I wonder why hand out so much generosity, effort and loveliness, even though I know exactly what I’d rather spread. I don’t feel good after treating someone nicely and neither do I after mistreating someone. It’s all about my stupid philosophy: Treat each one the way they deserved to be treated. Though, very often I am kind although I shouldn’t be. It’s all out of control now. There is a huge problem I don’t know how to deal with, which is: I always keep my word. It’s not that I ever want to make a promise, but those promises just pop out of my mouth accidentally, because I don’t know what else to say or what else to do, because I hate awkward silence towards the end of a conversation and this is where I would end up saying unwillingly “Let’s have Chinese before I head off” or “Maybe we can have another coffee before I go…” AND I DON’T WANT ANY OF THESE. Why would I make promises if I knew I was going to suffer for them? Panic attack, because I’m on the verge of going crazy and because I can’t hold my breath any longer. It’s not that I’m really crazy; I’m only getting uncontrollably impatient with demonstrating my irrationality, abstractness and monstrosity. Why is it that we never know each other perfectly? There is a very simple answer to this. People think what they are and what they feel is worthless and not worth talking about; if it’s self pity then of course not. They think by keeping everything to themselves, makes them more mysterious, but it doesn’t, if you never open up.
Though I don’t always keep my word, I preview the person’s aura and I would start classing his or her veracity and truthfulness. Some don’t care and pretend they care.

September 28 2010, Part II – Emptying bowel

It’s been five days now and that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach has finally gone. As I said I had no expectations. Once you have experienced your ups and downs, it’s difficult to feel excited about changes in your life. Most importantly, you know you need these changes in order to get on with your life. So if you enter a new world with no expectations and no proper excitement, you end up feeling slightly scared and insecure about what is going to crash upon your head. I felt nauseated and there was this tunnel vision again decreasing my eyesight and perception; my entire body strength had gone. All I had to do when checking my circulation was to lift my hands and see whether I was trembling. The nasty iron fist of disillusionment had been trying to knock me unconscious again. Two weeks ago I was wondering where I was and what the hell I was doing. I had no idea who those people around me were or whether I really knew them, not to mention me. Is this really my mind and body? If so why do I constantly see a different girl in the mirror staring back at me? How much I hate to admit, the past three years felt like I’ve been comatose and I’ve only just opened my eyes again. During that coma I was collecting pieces from the past; my own rubbish that had polluted my perception. I recycled them, hoping that they would stink a little less. The only things I couldn’t recycle were my anger and self-loathing. The moment I opened my eyes I knew. Self-awareness, wakefulness and polluted perception. The woman in the mirror is a 26 year old student whose job is to clean up some mess, but she has not a damn clue how.

Now that I have my own room and space, I hope I can finally be the one that I am and always have been ever since the cut of the umbilical cord. Light blue.

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