Devil’s Throat

I spend a lot of time loathing. Too rarely do I ever feel proud of myself – no matter what I do and no matter what others say. And still I love them – it’s like a hug I needed. And I am grateful.

Today I just don’t care and don’t want to talk. Exhaustion, head ache and Cheerios. Where am I really and where do I want to be? All I know is what I’m doing and what needs to be done: buy more Cheerios and dry my socks.
The terrible noises of fire alarms and the sirens of ambulance cars are slicing my brain in two; the engine of proud motorcyclists and girl-like cries outside almost every evening.

Mahler and Gade are playing in the background – this is for some peace of mind and to dry the tears in the corner of my mind. Lacey’s singing voice when I’m in bed, but actually thinking about someone else. I keep falling for those I can’t easily assess. I don’t even know if that’s the right word in English.

Courage and confidence only come together – but I didn’t feel that both were evident last night. When one is confident, the courage is ultimately there.

It’s the first time I prepared myself some ginger tea since I’m here, to disinfect my body because of all the crap (as in snacks) that I’ve been eating. Nonetheless, my breakfast, lunch and dinner are still pretty much based on healthy diets; it’s just all the inbetweeners. The night before the reading, I couldn’t sleep. I got out of bed at about half twelve in the morning and started eating Cheerios, which was a huge mistake. I remained awake till about half two in the morning and got up at around six. Ok, sometimes I do not know what I’m doing – or I just cannot control myself, which happens a lot. Do I need a paracetamol? I thought I was stronger than that. I shall just go to bed now.

Insecure about where I am, but actually I do know where I want to be right now. No, not in Toronto.

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