Losing weight, looking great

I thought this was a good place. There are so many people; so many busy people. All I wanted was to get lost among them, as I thought that would be a good way to rediscover myself, except that it doesn’t work like that. Or maybe I have rediscovered myself but I hate the way it works!

I don’t understand people who continually say that they are bored, especially those who have no damn clue what boredom really is.

I never have sugar in my tea and recently I don’t have sugar in my coffee either. I can’t help wondering that this is the reason why, in my dreams, people start to shoot each other down. Everyone owns a rifle and you’re just not safe anymore. I guess this is more a reflection of what I think of this place.

I’m getting more and more and more blackouts recently when feeling nervous and uncomfortable. I open my mouth and no single syllable comes out; no breath even. That’s when I usually feel like running away before anyone notices me turning red. It’s not embarrassment or shame, it’s more me being angry and wanting to turn over a table.

Does anyone remember what I said about myself two or three months ago? How I felt, how I wished things were, etc.? I don’t quite recall anything. Slap me in the face, and I will need several seconds to realize you did it and I’ll need a minute before I ask you why you did it; if I care enough. Even in a state like this I wonder what promises I made, whom I still own a favour or who I have a crush on and how high my chances are, although I’d rather just let myself fall.

This numbness is a step away from apathy. I don’t know what to do. Shake me once, I will not respond. Shake me twice, I will open my eyes. Shake me thrice and you will see.

I read ‘Ham on rye’ again; how he was holding his shit for so many hours till it had turned hard inside and he didn’t have to release it anymore. It’s similar to the way many people deal with their emotions. Maybe this is why I feel I’m heavy and need to lose weight.

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