Pre-spring nervousness

Quite a lot going on recently – stress related things. For starters, I have become a great spam activator. I never knew I was so brilliant at it. It’s fun, too. So much freaking attention and I’ve always dreaded attention. What a nice experiment. I couldn’t care less right this very moment. Sometimes you can be very selfish just like me. And I am being very selfish right now, too, pretending that I care about all.
There is another reason why I bothered keeping the bloody student online journal alive, but I will not tell. It doesn’t matter anyway. Distraction is always good.

How I have always hated dealing with people, hundreds of different minds at once. Every time you have to build bridges to connect with each other.  Do I really look like I have the nerve… It’s just this one time that I do not want to fear the complexities of mass communication. But I do, like a chicken, I’m just ignoring it. What a nice start. What a good start!

For a second I have a genuine smile on my face and the moment the cheekbones get exhausted, I know it’s no longer a smile. You all experience that. Do you ever notice, though, how long you smile for? For instance if someone has made you smile, do you pay attention to how long the smile lasts? I mean up to the point when it fades. And then you ask yourself: Will this person make me smile again?

I’m waiting. I’m waiting. I’m working. I’m moving. I’m ripping my arse off. I’m waiting. The more I think about it, the more I seem to realise that they are all sycophants. It’s nothing new; everyone is like that in one way or the other. The harsh ones are those who ‘forget’ to say thank you.

Sincerely, I can’t wait for the day where I’ll show you my bent fuck-finger. Both of my middle fingers look camp and therefore not to be taken seriously. I just hope no one will ever notice, because I mean what I say with my fuck-finger.

Spring is so close; it’s scaring the shit out of me. Summer is always so long. The great number of people is the creepiest thing about it. If you have watched ‘Soylent Green’, then you know what I mean – overpopulation. They’ll be everywhere, drinking, talking about nothing but the sun, getting a tan and fuck each other outdoors.
How to put this without everyone calling me a little misanthropic sissy that sees the worst in everything? -Well, if I have a ___  from ___ onwards, then I won’t see things this way.
I’ve reached a point where I’m close to giving someone else a chance even though I know I’d never love them. I’m waiting. I’m waiting. I’m walking. I don’t want to get left behind. I want to collapse on the lawn with everyone, lick on ice cream and sing songs at a camp fire, although I couldn’t care less.
I’ve spent too many years chasing after things that are beyond reach. And they are still what I want and always will be what I want and that’s because I never abandon all hope, even when the ground I walk on turns from solid to soft. At the end of the day it’s always fear that moves you forward; the fear of getting left behind, the fear of becoming useless. I don’t mean useless to the world, but useless to yourself.

I envy those people who are too blind to realise that each of us stands alone. I don’t care how many best friends or how many agony aunts you have out there, you are standing on the top of the world alone. When you are asleep you have no one with you in your head. You feel a certain emotion and you have no one that feels exactly the same. So stop saying “I know how you feel.” Feelings are way too unfathomable, intangible. And once gone, it’s irretrievable. There are no right words for description.
We can still pretend we understand each other to a certain degree. How would we fall in love otherwise?

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