The social recluse

I just spent three intense hours thinking. Just thinking. Not meditating. Not writing. I don’t quite remember what I have been thinking about, except that I have been asking myself questions; questions that I have heard today. Questions to which I was sure I knew the answers to, but for some reason I just couldn’t utter them, because they had disappeared within a wink. If this reflects my uncertainty then I am quite ashamed of myself. It’s good to know this after all. John Lydon comes to mind, as I remember what he once wrote in his autobiography, that one should never be understood completely. It’s the “kiss of death” and the ultimate “full stop”. By the looks of it, I have to invite myself for a coffee and get to know myself better before anyone else does.

Whenever writers are asked about vulnerability, they’d like to think they have nothing to hide.

I have to start drawing maps for myself, even though I’ve never been the best at reading maps, let alone my own handwriting.

I read an interview with Jack Nicholson, the former womaniser of Hollywood. He is described as a “sociable loner”, which I find extremely amusing, as I’ve been called a “social recluse” before. Oxymoron is fun, so is the Wilde-ean paradox. This is where uniqueness dwells. I think Jack is someone who realises that socialising is crucial, although deep inside he couldn’t give a shit. How do you think I’ve been feeling?

I have been listening to Somewhat Damaged repeatedly and realised that the title is not about my “a-e”, but about me – every single word and its hidden meaning beyond those letters. The song just draws a parallel line to the story.

It feels like a never-ending journey. To be honest, I prefer it this way.
There is way too much unfinished business around me, which I can tell by my haunting dreams; it might as well take my whole life, because I’m so slow at dealing with things, although I’ve always had the compulsion of wanting to finish things as soon as possible so that I can move on to the next.

In the end you are what you never thought you were.

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