The wake-initiated lucid dream?

Last night at exactly 1:51am I was woken by the breathing noise of a man – exhaling. At first I thought it was imaginary, that I had dreamt something and I was only in a hypnopompic state again. Nevertheless I looked around in my room just to make sure. There was nobody. Then the breathing repeated. I wasn’t sure anymore whether the breathing occurred in my room. I immediately got out of bed and turned my desk lamp on, as I always find sudden wakefulness in light.
Nothing.
I heard it again. I opened my window and listened. There it was – like a giant exhaling from above my flat. I waited a little longer to hear him breathe once more, but nothing came. Maybe it was a sigh; the sigh of a dinosaur or of Falkor the luck dragon.
In the end I went for a piss and then back to bed.

In last night’s dream I was dating Michael J. Fox (young). We were hugging and it was all very nice and stuff, but then he changed into some ugly loser of a Goth guy that I’ve never seen before in my life and yet his behaviour and manner were more than familiar. He made me buy him beer and tons of sweets. I was threatening with: “If you make me carry all this shit for you, this will be our last date.”
HE had also made me do something similar before.
In that dream I also learnt that Michael didn’t want me anymore which was why I hooked up with that Goth guy.
The moment I woke up I felt distressed.

In my latest story I have found redemption, but who knows about the current real life situation and how much I have been lying? Only those whose heads aren’t in the clouds, whose body aren’t buried in sand, whose mind and body are in synch.  So attractive, so captivating and alluring. So yeah, how do I touch myself? I can’t quite tell to be honest, as I don’t even dare sticking a finger inside of me. It doesn’t feel right. Like nothing you ever do feels right. If you want happiness to be permanent, you need the ability to integrate yourself into this world of ‘bliss’, fuse with it and leave your shit behind. This is how you choose the easiest routes in life. Happiness is something you merely choose. The only danger is fear. The slightest trace of fear will rob you everything and the uncontrollable apprehension of the ephemeral nature of life will be to signify your inability to enjoy happiness to the fullest.  The more you fear of losing it, the more you’ll be missing out.

Maybe…maybe I’ve been reading too much Houellebecq who is the reincarnation of Schopenhauer and Nietzsche in one person. There’s one chapter where he talks about ‘Depressive Lucidity’ which pretty much explains my indifference. That chapter was perverse, selfish and somewhat sad.
You see no trace of hope, not even between the lines or underneath the shoes of the protagonists. This silent angry cry – still in bloom. One day will look pretty. It will rule in the botanic garden of human reflections. The electric impulses will give the next species a chill of terror representing humanity’s unfulfilment and flaws that had triggered the world’s end.

Nonetheless, unlike Houellebecq, I still admire the beauty of a daisy. I smile genuinely at it, trying not to think of the day it will forsake me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *