When antibiotics talk

When some people feel pain they tend to intensify it by going over the top (this is when it’s driven by anger. Anger and pain make a very powerful couple and they reject any form of control. Although both are a huge part of you, they don’t necessarily care about you like your cells do for instance. Anger and pain are wild, but secretly they are disguised as Despair and you know what she looks like. However, I still have a crush on her brother.).

What is it that my friends think I am naïve and unable to speak for myself anyway? It makes me feel like a zero who is unable to learn and take care of myself.
When friends think you’re incapable of something and they believe they have to push you through it, guide you, lead you, you feel like you know nothing about the world. Aware that they only want the best helps you to keep your mouth shut, but the truth is they have no clue how less you care. I tend to think (but wouldn’t admit to you) that I don’t need anyone, that I don’t need help.
Here, the undeniable truth is, I need my family. I don’t care about the rest – I really do not. I need my family. Not you.
But, I don’t want to need them.
I want them to need me and tell me so.
That dependent wreck speaks.
I want to tell my mother that there is a lump in my arm; I don’t know what it is, but it’s sore. However, I don’t want her to worry.
I want to tell my family how often I cry when I simply think about them. Still, I don’t want them to worry.

Before my parents arrive next week, I need to lose some weight. I don’t want the first thing my mum says to be “You’ve put on weight.” And I will blame work for making a regular gym visit impossible. I also have to work on my facial expression. I no longer look like the me from last summer.

And how much this place is tearing me apart, I will not leave just yet. I will continue the experience just to expand my chances of finding something better in the future…maybe at home (yes, I am talking about job). While this country here is falling apart, I will inevitably fall apart with it, but my motivations will not. These are the only things I care about and my family. Not you, not anyone else.

You understand shit—

When Dick said that people who aren’t in touch with reality are insane, I wondered how many people are actually not insane. There are a lot of them. All of them around me. Even the good actors, who are, in fact, insane on the inside. If a good actor can feign his behaviour on the outside and adapt to all these social conventions, it means that he exactly knows how reality functions and therefore he is not insane.

Again, you understand shit—

When I think about how year after year I have to think of a new solution to save myself, I immediately get a headache. Becoming more and more sensitive on the health front doesn’t make it any easier either in association with my inability to cope with stress. Each time it gets heavy, stress knows its way around. Two years ago it attacked her kidney and last year it brought rosacea upon her face against which she is on antibiotics since September. Additionally green tea had kept her cheerfully alive for three months. But no matter what you consume, it loses effect at one point or another. And she already mentioned that she was running out of ideas. She never thought she’d be capable of meditation which is why she always categorised it as her last resort. (The gym has always helped to de-stress, but due to work, she cannot create a regular time frame for it.) So here she is, reconsidering the last and only option, in order to save herself.

I can’t say I am fully with it, let alone in the mood for it, but it’s not the time yet to touch the sickle. It’s not the time yet.
There is so much to do.
So much to do.

I realised that the reality of Ellen has become more transparent and conceivable than my own being; me sitting here at the computer, consuming my antibiotics (, as I am not as strong as I thought I was. And that’s because I let something bad fall upon me). Here, at the uni library where I am still pretending to be a student who is working on her big project.
I have started viewing people as merely flesh. If our cheeks touch, I feel nothing but skin and flesh. And I used to feel so much more than this. When I see others touch I notice that there is something happening, but I no longer understand it.

That was the worst Christmas and New Year’s. Being alone is good, but not when your creative mind has slipped and you’re left with nothing to produce on the white sea. Eaten by an influx of emptiness that wasn’t even evident. There simply was too much reality to consume – the sound of firecrackers, the flicker of Christmas lights and then coming to realise that you want to be with your family. And for a moment I understood the reality people.
Life is only hard when you are not busy.

There are many friends with needs. And I do not know what there is that I can give. Watching how friends replace me, I don’t seem to encounter any disappointment on my side. When have I ever been there anyway or given them anything? There are a lot more people out there who are similar, people who do not like to be needed. So, maybe this is why you don’t resent your friends for replacing you. Being a bad friend makes rejection easier. Things can be so simple.

Understand shit again—

Since the pills slowed me down so much, I am now able to focus on every thought and breath. Maybe I should succumb to my last resort and save myself. The last time I was surrounded by this calm atmosphere in my head was the first week I started consuming green tea regularly. If there is good in me, then it is speaking now. The sickle needs to wait.

My hero from last year says that I cannot ever transfer wisdom and diagnosis straightforwardly into fiction, but I have to make something great out of them by myself. I only just understood what he meant.
Slowing down the thinking process indeed is the key.

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