The triptych

I’m definitely not scared of attachment, I’m just not into you and if you’re a girl I just want to show right away that I am no good friend to make with.
Thanks to all for granting me my space. There are currently a lot more important things to consider, to get over with, to send to hell.
At least I believe that one thing has gone to hell already or I like to believe it has, which proves that my sense for good and bad is still off balance. I shouldn’t want anything to go to hell, and yet, I do with all my heart. What you may call “good” is my willingness to return kindness, unless you impose your kindness on me, because you want something in return. One of the worst things is to owe people something. It’s not always money they want back. Sometimes they want help in return which is worse. The day I help you is the day I care about you. And right I have not got the time to help anyone apart from worrying about how I can help the three people that mean the world to me. You will never come first, nor second.
But I think about you all. Is that not enough?
Everyone just wants you to give!
And if you don’t they just take your bread, noodles and can of beans! Londoners just take, take what they can get!
You remember the scene where Chihiro refuses to take the gold coins? People like her do not exist here or anywhere near.

I no longer understand people who need to talk. If they believe there is a problem they force you to sit down with them and talk. Moments like these make me cringe, because they reflect bad movies. There’s another thing, it’s always a woman who does that. Talk about problems…what if my problem is you? I am not authorized to ask for you to change and that’s the other problem. When you’re in love with a person why would you want them to change? If you hate how they leave dirty laundry on the floor, then you don’t love them and you don’t accept them.
Maybe you’re right, and I am indeed over-thinking and exaggerating this, which explains why I reject every company that I get. Even if there is none, I reject them before they even seep through the surface.
Currently underneath my own blanket I am already inciting a lot of heat and I can no longer listen to people saying how cold it apparently is.

By the way the only reason why I cannot get married is because I am unable to wear a wedding ring on my left ring finger. The skin between my ring and middle finger is somewhat thick, similar to the skin layer on a frog’s hand which holds the fingers together. So when I wear a ring on that finger and stretch my fingers, it hurts. There is a sense of feeling trapped, being held hostage or being kept in chains. If you feel otherwise, I must say, I envy you. In none of my three dimensions have I been able to shake these adverse sentiments off. Never will I be able to decide which of the three dimensions will make it to the middle part of the triptych. There is so much inconsistency and unsteadiness that put you into a state of indecision where the only way to remain sane is to carry all three on the back and not rack your brains over decision making. I am glad to have those three dimensions. Despite the heaviness, I am glad, as other people are merely 2 dimensional. Unfortunately there are too much of them.

I can’t wait to catch up on Puccini opera shows. Il Trittico next – another threesome in a story where the jealous man, under the spell of the obsessive love wheel, accomplishes in feeding his rage and this is how things end. Just like that. An abrupt ending is like a slap in the face. Curtains. It’s up to us to imagine what it must have tasted like. It must have tasted indescribably good like a drug, but it’s the side effects…

Hopefully spring won’t come too soon as I want them down in their holes a little longer. The surface is mine. They will get the heat they deserve at some point.

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