Wave goodbye

By far, this has been the weirdest and most unsettling time back home. Why? Because nobody has changed. They are just involved in different scenarios, which I haven’t been following, and this is how people drift away from each other. Updating people about my life is the least that I like doing. Sometimes when you have nothing to say, you force yourself to say something utterly banal that ultimately triggers bad mood, because you didn’t want to say it, but you didn’t want to lie, either.
Lies are wonderful. If you admit that they are lies, then YOU are wonderful. What if you don’t care? Bah.
I love people who have every reason to laugh, but they never seem to have the last laugh: The Comedian, Bill Hicks, Pagliacci…
I principally admire those who can express their anger with spoken words. This is anger for real: John Lydon, Bill Hicks, Alec Empire…
Do you see the difference between you and these people? I didn’t think so.
I did something bad again. One more reason why I’m not to be trusted, but you wouldn’t speak to me (!)…while I’m still telling you everything. Anyway, if I hadn’t done it, I’d have never seen the big picture; the picture illustrating a dark hole from which I need to save her.
There are so many people on the High Street, in the Internet that attempt to coax you into donation. When you tell them you can’t even help yourself, they remain persistent by telling you that you have to help others first. I said thanks for the advice; I am trying to help my family. Now get out of my way, I can very well manipulate myfuckingself, too.
I made an unnerving discovery when I re-read my unfinished book. In the last two weeks I only managed to write no more than 1500 words, half of it was based on rewriting. Anyway, the discovery was that my writing was that of Houellebecq (, except that I do not express myself as finely as he does). You remember when I told you that unlike him, I have hope? In the last chapters there is only pretence of it; hope is presented with the face of frivolity. And honestly I haven’t thought about it; I haven’t realised it until now.
The problem is I am very sorry; I absolutely cannot rewrite it again. She is who she is and I am who I am. That much I figured. Either she has a huge thing coming up or nothing. I will always be where I am, with no big thing. I only gave her a choice.
During my stay at home, I am glad that my dreams haven’t been merely fragments, but complete stories. I’ve managed to dig deeper and exhume some fire. Also, it seems that in my dreams I still fantasize about beating the shit out of him. But he always escapes by changing his outward appearance and shape shifting.
Apparently what I write is offensive. If you find my writing offensive, you don’t want to know me. Let’s pray together that you won’t ever have to. On the outside I’m just a coward, not worth making friends with and I shall be glad if you view that way. It’s one effort less to make. I never said I was a good friend. I never ever said that. I prefer my laptop as my companion to anyone that you have to speak to. I sing to you if you like! I dance for you!
Even my ma calls me a selfish bastard, but you know what, I like it best to hear it from her, makes me think she doesn’t know me although she knows me best, as she knows my worst. And this is why she means the world to me and you never will.
It scares me how you, one by one, get married and father/mother a kid, no matter if by choice or accident (Yes, I wrote “accident”). Once that has happened, you blindly push me away and it’s always too late for me to push you away first. Nevertheless, it’s ok. I’m serious, it’s ok. As long as you are happy, nothing else matters, I really, really do not matter and I do not want to matter, either. Please do not misunderstand me, I am truly happy for you. The only sad matter in association with this is just that things are no longer the same and I’ll choose to wave goodbye. I choose to wave goodbye.

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