Fear and change

So many people have accidentally called me recently. By “accidentally” I mean, they have their phones in their pockets and somehow a movement caused a certain touch and unlocked their phones that way. How interesting. The phone is telling you that I still exist. I mean my phone’s ringing, isn’t it? It’s just a shame that when I pick up I am immediately teleported into your pocket. What’s more interesting, when I miss the call you then leave me a 4-minute voicemail with funny noises. The last voicemail sounded like Curtis preparing his suicide.


You remember when I said the William Tell game is not merely about trust? There’s a hell of a lot of fear involved, opposed to your own belief in yourself.  And it is self-belief that scares the shit out of me. Doubt is what we’re grown up with and it will always be a root in our conscience that we cannot rip out.

Fear is not always rational, but it’s there; it’s not something that we can simply dispel from every day life. If there is one thing that I’ve realized it’s that fear can be tackled in association with indifference. It begins with the question “Why?” and “Is the fear really worth it?” I know that we have instincts, too, and most of the time we cannot comprehend. But does the animal ever question the inexplicable?

I noticed that the only time you really express fear is in your dreams, which pretty much says it all, right? Fear grabs hold of everything that’s you, such as your guilt, your flaws and even your achievements and shakes them like milk. And now where has your balance gone?


Deconstruction is all about the significance of change, no, sorry, the certainty and inevitability of change. This leads us back to fear, as people fear change, no matter if for the better or worse. Change is a disruption of the clock of consistency. Move time by one hour back or forward and people already get uneasy and restless. But they don’t realize how easily it passes, it’s not even a jetlag, it’s just a little change. It’s not only your body’s clock that you need to worry about, but also your sense of perception and how wide you can open up your mind. For some people it takes a whole life to realize something. This will only happen once a change has entered their life.


The only person who is always hungry for change is the artist – he who cannot settle down. Once he is a victim of a routine like most of ‘them’, he becomes numb and trapped. This numbness is triggered by dull repetitions and swimming with the stream. If he swims the other way he’ll be referred to as the stupid person, the outsider.

In order to set himself free (at least for a little while) he shuts the door and sews his mouths shut. That’s when his face changes and he will no longer be able to hold back or keep that vexatious thought in his head. It’s sore inside his ribcage and he loves it, as suddenly he has come back to life. His vision has transcended into the eyes of illusions, but he prefers to call them inspirations.


I admit that I am scared of phones, because I hate talking on the phone. And if you ring me and keep me in your dark pocket without saying a word, I shall feel even more scared. Or seeing a miscall from someone that you used to like, but you haven’t heard from in a year, you get excited about the fact that they’ve called and it turned out to be a fucking accidental call. Is it sad to say that I listened to that 4-minute voicemail of nothing?

Fuck the phone…fuck the phone…I’ve lost coherence, I’m sorry.

What was I talking about? The significance of fear…

Teach yourself indifference, not necessarily apathy (only if you know how to get out easily), but indifference is a good friend to make. He is gentle with scars.


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