Norwegian smile

And tears wouldn’t even come after Stand By Me; not even during the teariest scenes where Gordie and Chris are crying in each other’s arms. I probably need a higher dose and move on to Dead Poets Society – which always works, but it’s not autumn yet.

 

It’s interesting to experience my pride wounded, interesting because you would expect heartbreak of some sort in a girl. But at present I can’t even stimulate eye lubrication anymore, it’s simply not coming through, as if there is nothing left to feel emotional about. Though, I shouldn’t complain, should I? I remember I used to feel an imaginary itch back then, once scratched, everything was ok and the tears would just flow from the mountains and wash away the unclear.

That’s now gone. The river’s gone dry.

 

Deletion time. I’ve been quite brave for emptying my phone inbox, email inbox, etc. What are disappointments from 2011 still good for? For remembrance?

Never has indifference leveled up that high inside me. I’m even prone to telling lies recently as it saves time and explanation.

 

Having failed to blend in in the last couple of days, I’ve caused a lot of suspicion, I suppose, particularly today, all because I could not ignore my pained pride, which is another aspect of not being good enough to people. Feels familiar.

If only I could dig out Ernest and punch him hard in the face. I play that scene in my head sometimes. He and I have a tea party and I would condemn him for publishing “Men without Women”.  At the same time we would be listening to Chris Cornell (a living version of Ernest…) and he would simply watch me go mental.

 

In the name of the God of Harvest, the leader of the Titans and ruler of Saturn…this numbness is unbearable. Enter me now and give me strength. If on Sunday I am a wimp again, I will ask for more needle and no more numbing cream this time – no, not for the purpose of punishment, but endurance. I can take some more, like Buk and still stand straight. I will prove it to you.

People ask me why I invested money in a scythe. I said for harvest.

 

Today I looked the Norwegian in the face and sensed nothing, except that I imitated his grin – a very unsettling moment at first…

If empathy or even antipathy, I don’t really care, but I figured, there was a short moment of a mutual sentiment.

 

No, not evil.

 

Just indifference.

 

Nothing else.

 

Four more months. And I hope the smile will become bright again. On my face.  A smile that they can understand.

Right now I feel sad and alone, because the current smile is not understood by anyone.

 

This is the main reason why I want to be somewhere else now, for nothing is holding me back here.

 

However, the hole is growing deep. There’s not much time left.

 

I shall be leaving.

 

Follow that smile, so far away.

 

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