Maybe it’s a good thing if my body decides that excessive eye lubrication is of obsolete nature. I no longer need it.

However, I cannot decide for sure if it’s a good thing or not. It’s either I’ve grown too strong or the level of indifference has surpassed the bucket of my former emotions. They’re all gone.


The jelly has finally grown hard.


During the course of writing (the novel), I was seeking more depth in a book called “The Pattern of Madness” by Symington in order to apply it to my protagonist. The center of our personality is a jelly with no particular form.

So if a person says that s/he is a mess, we know we all are. On the inside we are a bunch of fragments with no order whatsoever on how to restore sanity.


You speak of control, but that’s not enough.


You need motivation.

A friend says that motivation is desire. Desire can be a lot of things: greed, attraction, envy, …

Can you prove to me that desire can be of selfless nature?

You seek motivation in order to move yourself forward.

Even Pip, who was motivated by his love for Estella, only went ahead to become a gentleman because he wanted reciprocation. He did it for her, but in the hope of benefitting from it.


My protagonist lives her life based on a lie, and yet motivated by her flaws she is curious whether she could ever come to terms with the past.


This proves that unrequited love can be used as a tool, the excitement lies behind the notion of not knowing – there is only hope. But people will never understand what I mean by that – the art of not knowing but urged by the desire to find out.

You don’t understand.


Anyway, back to the jelly: If you cannot speak for yourself, it means your jelly is gelatinous and vulnerable. Therefore in your life you will work upon hardening and shaping it. There is nothing more to personality.

Let’s take greed as an example. Once you’re driven by greed, you will notice how it rouses you into action. The jelly inside starts to take form and that makes you a person with personality, but not so quick, this is just a part of the whole thing, as we are all preys of the narcissistic condition.  The jelly needs a particular desire and if you take greed, you will see that we always “want”.

It’s not a bad thing, unless what we are…who we are is a bad thing.


In fact, I am not too sure about her jelly in the end.


It’s time to check.

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