December 31, 2012

My own personal guru of life has said it once again and I’m sure I will need to hear it over and over so I don’t forget.

There are now less than 24 hours left for me to appreciate the good times and bid farewell to foolishness and blindness by simply accepting the fact that I have committed them.

The whole year is flashing before my eyes at 02:30 in the morning and the only thing I have noticed is how little time I was given for implementation of personal matters and how little I have seized certain moments that could have bloomed.

I shall stop looking down on myself and eliminate everything that will continue humbling me. Strength I’ve always had, courage I’ve always shown and determination I’ve always proved. Therefore I don’t know how my entire self has entered that stream of numbness. I’ve probably overdid it with my grain of indifference or I’ve applied it to the wrong matter. There was no space for confusion and yet my mind was clouded and I was stiff like a stone.

I’m not sure if “clouded” is the correct word; it was more severe – I’ve been feeling more “ostracized” from myself as if I didn’t let my good conscience shine through. Quiet conscience doesn’t sleep in thunder after all. I’ve been ignoring it too often. Then along came the unclear to flare up my perception on things.

So intensely that I don’t know how much I still care.

I don’t say no to drugs that I haven’t tried and still they leave me as empty as now. I think all I need is…

But I won’t get it and I won’t pursue it.

So the moment I wake up in the morning, I will run to set my body and mind in motion, then meditate and tidy my thoughts, put them before my heart and prioritize me. The end result will determine everything. Some kind of an epiphany would be nice; one that will reconfirm my strengths and determination. I wouldn’t mind that.

The moment a writer neglects himself, he will know that he has kissed death. It’s the ultimate full stop, which will let your mask of sanity slip and you’ll no longer know where you’re at and what you’re still capable of.

Therefore I shall kiss passion and continue fucking my alter ego in the arse. I have nothing further planned for 2013. Maybe a change of scenery.

 

 

 

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