Wake up, P.

This is the first time in a year that I got ill again. A cold that usually lasts for a couple of hours has extended to several days. I fall asleep easily, but I would wake up 3-4 times in the middle of the night for no particular reason. It’s as if my body’s telling me to wake up from a dream. The recent dreams aren’t special, I don’t remember details, but I am in unfamiliar places.

 

My head has been a great mess, too, lately and it’s only music that helps me numb it and Californication. Though I can’t sit in a quiet corner with a book without picturing other events that have been taking place in my life. I have so many questions that I don’t want to ask. So many answers I want to give but there is no point. There is no one. Here.

There never was anyone in first place. Therefore, I can go somewhere else and have nothing there instead. At least it will be a change of scenery and there’ll be something new to learn. And maybe make friends that are ready to open up fully. On the very first day. No games. No secrets. Though, I’ve lost interest in trusting.

 

How tired I am of indecisive hearts that will always lie to protect themselves. Fucking hearts. In the last six years it has been about nothing but hearts. Soon I will let go I hope…of all the insincere ones. Why I always pick them, I don’t know. Well, in fact, I do, but it’s not important. You believe you can change things sometimes, but the reality is you cannot. Anyway, as long as she hasn’t let go, I cannot, either. I owe her this one favour. And I happen to keep promises.

Do I sometimes talk like I am schizophrenic? Well, if you don’t know whom I am talking about then please do not have preconceived ideas. After all, I do not share everything.

 

Several things I have to do in the next couple of months: One of them was to watch Donnie Darko again, which I did the other day. The same night I dreamt I travelled back in time, but I don’t remember how I’d entered the portal. Never do we know how exactly Donnie did it…

I also have finish off the application form and get ready for the summer.

 

I wish I cared more. I wish I was more there. I was accused of not having any common sense, not taking initiative. Very unkind words when only little is known about me. I can sink ships if I wanted to, have your existence dissipate into nothing, meaning you’re presence is no longer applicable in my life. If I have nudged you towards the exit then that’s probably it. I do not go back. In all honesty, I have been asleep for too long.

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