“4”

I might be obsessed with a number that I’ve always related to death, because in Chinese language this number sounds like death. It’s basically the word “death” in a very low-pitched tone. It has been chasing me for several months now and I don’t know how to escape it, not to mention ignore it. So I’ve decided to look at it whenever I see it, hoping it will whisper me truth.

 

I think of Buddha’s Four Noble Truths, which are anxiety, stress, dissatisfaction and suffering. Yes, sounds familiar – to anyone.

 

I think of how Ellen accesses the four chambers of Mrs. Hughes’s heart.

 

I look at the four wings of a fly and how I once scratched off the wings of a ladybird when it hadn’t properly pulled its wings in.

 

I think of how Ellen judges the four human blood groups.

 

I think of the four seasons, especially my favourite one.

 

The battery of my Macbook is currently showing 1:12.

 

I think of the four cardinal directions and how I am more drawn to the far West.

 

I once heard in my dreams the gallop of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

 

I have only visited 3 of the 4 nations of UK.

 

I am listening to Nine Inch Nails’ “The Four of us dying.”

 

My favourite of the Four Elements is probably air, because I fear the other three.

 

And I want to stop right here. It’s painful…this obsession with meaning, despite it all having meant nothing at all. Irrelevance familiarizes itself with questions such as “What if…”

 

4 is still a mystery. In whatever playful mood the gods are, I am not in the mood to demystify anything right now. I’m still trying hard to understand the emotions of the 21st century. If there are any at all that correspond conveniently.

 

Until I find out, I might have to figure out whether or not “4” is a curse, a blessing or simply meaningless…

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