The vampyre of time and memory

Time and memories don’t ever digest in the mind and it’s only perception that filters and cleanses them when appropriate.

But I can’t help it when my obsessive mind remembers certain details clearly. It’s not that my mind sees what it wants to see. Once it sees truth, I feel like death – a state of mind that you won’t ever forget. Unfortunately. If your mind sees truth, then it will always remember, like a moment of revelation, it will always remember. Up till now, I have not accepted one bit of this truth. Every night it makes me want to kill in my dreams.

 

I’ve realized that all men have a special someone in their life…

 

I didn’t cry to my priest on the phone today. And I’ll have to try my best not to cry to my fairytale godfather next week. I have secrets to confess.

 

I’ve made a choice. To entirely depend on self-reliance. People do that when they’re scared of falling backwards into no one’s arms. Yes, it’s a defense mechanism that depicts the fear of disappointments – self-explanatory. There is so much more to it and none of it is worth a footnote. Basically you escape from your vulnerabilities rather than work on them.

How come our minds tend to build places for illusions anyway? Like illusions of love? Aren’t they just high hopes that we fail to implement into our lives? And once aware that they’re merely illusions, we begin to mourn over the could-have-beens, why? We should have known from the start, no? And yet we continue to chase because we’re certain of something that we won’t ever find out?

 

I am tired. I am tired and almost overdosed on rescue drops that put me in a state of calm and indifference like the moment two hours after a joint. This is when you feel most conscious and alone. You’re surrounded by a sense of tranquility on the outside, which, sadly, fails to eat its way through into your mind. No drug will ever cleanse the mind no matter how deep in your blood, and I’m far from acceptance. There are still so many questions that I won’t ever ask. Time and memory need to die.

 

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