Cowtown autumn 6The relationship lasted for seven years. She used to be a very dominant woman, who got jealous every time he chose his friends over her.  It is not clear to me how it fell apart in the end, because I never asked, and I know I never will. I’d rather fill my head with all possible explanations that are familiar to me, as she and I are a lot alike, so much alike that we don’t get on and yet we’re inseparable.

This is one of the few cases in my life where I do not pursue the truth. If there is a way for me to ever retrace the root of my personality, I will, but if only I wasn’t so scared. She used to be so pretty, so I am not surprised that her beauty had tangled him throughout the relationship. I wonder had they intended to spend the rest of their lives together. If that had happened, I wouldn’t have ever existed and I would have never been your friend. Just the thought of this makes me dizzy, but at the same time I wonder how happy would she have been. If she had been happier, I would given everything so she could rewind and go back in time.

Would she have immersed in the career of her dreams and become a beautiful stewardess or would she have become a pianist? She once told me that she used to pretend playing the piano on the dinner table….

Once the relationship was over her sister’s friend introduced her to someone from the other side of the world and that special someone was head over heels in love with her from the moment he saw her. I don’t know whether she’d felt the same way or whether she simply loved the attention. It was like Prince Charming had entered a godforsaken town and found the love of his life. As for the pretty girl you don’t really know how she feels. She simply said yes when he proposed to her and left her town for good. There was no series of expectations from her side. She merely adjusted her dreams to what he could offer her, as though her dreams no longer mattered. What mattered was that she had stability and someone that loved her. What mattered was the thought of not being alone. In a song Tom Waits says: “Never marry for love.”

Did she leave in order to get over him?

In retrospect I feel like she and I are one and that I am repeating the past for her. It feels like I am about to leap off the roof and these are my last thoughts. But I am in the present living my own life and yet these reruns are scaring me. Am I to fix the past by becoming someone different? What if I am exactly like her?

Is being loved enough?


by Paula Deckard (c) 2013

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