Just passing through

Do you remember waking up as a child hoping that time would speed up so that you would be an adult tomorrow? I used to fantasize about running away as soon as I turned 18. And I did run away. To England. And for a second it felt like it had never happened or like a book that I’d probably read ten years ago, but I don’t remember its content.

I stopped reading my first diary entry (dated March 1995) after the first sentence. I don’t ever want to go back there and yet I must, but it’s not the time yet. One day I will let go and by letting go I mean letting go of roughly 33 diaries full of bullshit that one day I’ll have to swallow like castor oil. It’s not quite the time for repentance or self-forgiveness. I am nowhere near ready.

 

The longer I stay here, the more flaws I seem to discover about myself. I have no response to anything that I am encountering, no matter if good or bad as if I am not evolving into anything wiser. I’m just passing through.

 

I keep trying to form any kind of delusion to stimulate my brain, but the only motivation that I have is this song in minor key ensuring me that I all need to do is write. The void has become too big and needs feeding. It eats quickly and its favorite dish is my thought about you, which luckily is a mixture of protein and carbon hydrate, meaning that it takes a while to digest. You are a heavy dish. Once I have you on the plate I am free from this void. So stay with me for a while.

One day it will eat me, but I won’t blame you.

 

Two days ago I ate a dead mini mosquito that was stuck on my caramelized macadamia.

And when I arrived home, I buried a dead green dragonfly, which had been run over by a car. My dad used to catch dragonflies and attach them to a piece of string so they wouldn’t escape. Seeing all these dead insects lately (flies, bumblebees, snails, worms) I can tell that autumn is on its way. It’s going to be a peaceful kill, though. Despite all the butterflies…

I’m gonna get my own personal one tomorrow.

 

I need to stop hiding under Nietzsche’s curtains and finally do my own talking. I am tired of my fears. When I looked at the way Celine defended herself confidently in arguments, I wish I were able to do the same thing.

He used to say I freeze like Todd Anderson during arguments, which is true. It’s related to intrinsic values and other fears – irrational fears.

In order to defend myself I have a string of obstacles to tackle and a long way to hike. Hopefully it will keep me in good shape.

 

I’ve passed through so many lives lately and only for such a short period of time and I am sorry to leave so abruptly. I don’t know for how long they will keep my footprint in their memory for I am only a passerby and always will be.

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