Thoughts before arrival at YYC

The most intimate moment in the last couple of weeks must have been Richard holding my hand while singing to me one of my favourite songs. I swear there was a spark.

Other sweet incidents are invitations and WhatsApp messages from out of the blue. You would believe one has already forgotten about you, but in reality you haunt their minds when they’re in bed staring at the dark.

I don’t like that.

I’d rather they think about me when they party hard or fuck someone else when drunk.

That’s me fantasizing about their dirty little secrets.


After all it’s not good to be spoilt. I personally don’t know how to respond to kindness; it’s like a series of loans or favours that one day I’ll have to return. This is the main reason why the ones you love back off when you give too much. You only give when you love. I mean I understand it now. What I do not understand is why they spoil you only at the beginning when you’re most suspicious about their intentions. Is it the suspicion that turns them on and arouses them to give? And once the honeymoon phase is over they turn their back on you? So what is it women have to do, be cold throughout and keep all hopes low? Yes! But continue loving to the maximum and never tell.  Not everyone deserves to know. Nobody needs to know that I’d do anything for you, right. You wouldn’t want someone that’d do anything for you, right?! – Right, me neither.


Sometimes I wish I was a man that looks like Tyson Ritter. (I have a thing for long slim male legs and I don’t know anyone prettier than he. Apart from that everyone born in 1984 is pretty.)


History is always yesterday. I’ve got no time to look back. No novel writing or reading in the last 4 weeks; I could kill myself right now, but I cannot blame anyone. They just don’t know that I think about them when they least expect it. I just wish they knew, so I don’t have to do fucking anything to prove so.


I’m already sorry for what I’m gonna do.

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